It's been a long time since I last posted, but I bought salad dressing recently and apparently nothing fires me up more than salad dressing! I was in a rush at the grocery store and I have to admit with great disappointment that I fell for my own Shitty Food Made Pretentious tricks! With a snap judgement I choose a bottle of Brianna's salad dressing not realizing that what I chose to buy was garbage.
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Let's find out where I was deceived. With an elegant label and a giant picture of a strawberry that looked like it was illustrated for the Wall Street Journal, I automatically assumed the dressing was both high quality and contained strawberries. AND I LOVE STRAWBERRIES! After closer examination it turns out that Brianna was only demonstrating that the dressing (a blush wine vinaigrette) is, "Delicious on fresh strawberries." Thanks Brianna, but I don't think you get credit for making fresh strawberries delicious. I have a funny feeling your dressing is also delicious on both fresh funnel cake and fresh vagine. If you want to impress me tell about how your dressing makes 7-11 taquitos delicious. Then again it might be tougher to trick people into buying your dressing once there is a big picture of taquitos on your label. Finally notice the paper seal on the top of the cap. It gives the bottle a handcrafted touch- like it was given out as a wedding favor!
"Now as you all know the bride and groom are passionate about salads. So if you all look on your tables there are personalized bottles of salad dressing for each of you! This is a recipe that Tanner and Stacey handcrafted using ingredients from Stacey's father's garden and it goes great with fresh strawberries and slitting your wrists."
"Now as you all know the bride and groom are passionate about salads. So if you all look on your tables there are personalized bottles of salad dressing for each of you! This is a recipe that Tanner and Stacey handcrafted using ingredients from Stacey's father's garden and it goes great with fresh strawberries and slitting your wrists."
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Like I said, I was fooled. Brianna also has a seal on the bottle that at first glance looks like an award of sorts. Look closer, it's just a testament that they've been family owned and operated for 32 years. "Thank you!" Uh you're welcome? Now I know, "Only the finest ingredients" are in the bottle, but just in case Brianna is full of shit let's take a closer look. The number one ingredient is sugar. WELL GOSH I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT BRI-BRI! Is it the family ownership? The dedication to quality? Your unwavering desire to create a superior salad dressing? OR MAYBE YOU'VE TAKEN A PAGE OUT OF THE MCDONALD'S PLAYBOOK AND ADDED AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF SUGAR! Just when I thought Bri couldn't outdo herself she plastered every pretentious buzzword to the label, "NO HFCS, NO GLUTEN, NO MSG, VEGAN". What a classic Shitty Food Made Pretentious move! If you're product is shitty simply distract people from the truth and use words that make the salad dressing seem healthy. Thanks a lot Brianna. You're the reason there are fat vegans.