CRUNCH ISLAND - The atmosphere at the Crunch Factory was at times tense on Sunday as activists  peppered the captain of cereal Horatio Magellan Crunch, better known by his public persona of Cap 'N Crunch, with questions about the recent disaster in his cereal factory. During a grade school field trip at the factory last week an unchaperoned group of students went off tour and opened the crunch berry holding silos releasing millions of crunch berries into the factory. 

Cereal production at the factory was halted for five days as workers attempted to contain the spill, however activists are skeptical about their efforts. "There's simply no way that Capt 'N Crunch was able to prevent all of the crunch berries from contaminating the Sea of Milk," said environmentalist Rachel Carson, "The water is usually a beautiful milky white and it has had a green tint ever since the mishap."

Crunch emphasized that his factory would be taking full responsibility for the incident and would pay for all crunch berry mitigation, however with the release of his, "Oops! All Berries" cereal this week, many residents of Crunch Island can't help but wonder if the cereal tycoon is trying to profit from this tragedy. "I assure you this is simply an isolated occurrence," Crunch said to groans from the crowd, "Our factory has an outstanding safety record."

Despite Crunch's boast of exemplary safety, S.F.M.P. discovered that the Crunch Factory experienced similar spills in  2010, 2009, and 2008. S.F.M.P. also unearthed video footage of a 1997 incident of three children on a similar factory tour in which they emptied the Crunch Berry silos. The video is grainy however Capt 'N Crunch can clearly be seen knocking over cereal boxes on top of children and then saying, "Oops,"  in what many would consider a disturbing act of negligence.

S.F.M.P. contacted the Assistant Secretary of Labor for Occupational Safety and Health, David Michaels about the repeated safety problems. "The Crunch Factory has been on OSHA's watch list since their third violation in 2009," said Michaels, "Unfortunately due to numerous government loop holes and lobbyist persuasions we have not been able to inflict any serious penalties. He's a Cap N' so he has a lot of friends in high places." 

For now the people of Crunch Island, especially those who work in the Crunch Factory are hoping to move on with their lives. "I'm going back to work," said Chockle the Blob, a large chocolate chip cookie dough blob who can talk, "Children are relying on us for cereal and we want to deliver. People can only eat all berries for so long." 

WYNGZ anyone? Stumbled upon these at the grocery store. There's no way these aren't delicious. "Chicken breast with rib meat fritters"? Love me some rib meat fritters! The spelling of WYNGZ is either to avoid false advertising and future lawsuits or French Montana has gotten into the chicken wing game. 

SAN FRANCISCO - Struggling Seafood chain Red Lobster was sold to the tune of 2.1 billion dollars on Monday, but new owner Golden Gate Capital has big plans of turning things around by making the restaurant's shitty seafood pretentious. With Yelpers like Jennifer M. commenting, "When I was a kid, I thought Red Lobster was good.  It was one of my favorite chain restaurants, in fact.  Now that I'm an adult, I'm sadly not such a big fan," Red Lobster's glory days of fine dining for the middle class are a distant memory. In order to revamp their reputation company CEO Kim Lopdrup is taking a page out of the SFMP playbook. She believes new plating styles will bring Red Lobster back to it's former glory. Rather than invigorate the menu with new recipes, Red Lobster plans to plate it's food in a more vertical fashion, "Arranged in a way that's more like you'd see at a fine-dining restaurant," explained Lopdrup.

It is the opinion of SFMP that this plan will be extremely difficult to execute since customers already know the food is shitty.  At the Torrance, CA location we spoke with a diner who lamented, "My lobster tail tasted like rubber. I accidentally ate dog from a street vendor in Vietnam once and this was worse." It seems everyone already knows the food is shitty so the new plating techniques will be wasted. If Red Lobster plans to keep their shitty food I would implore them to announce that they have a "new menu" committed to freshness, and then implement new plating techniques for their seafood. Letting already disappointed customers in on the secret of plating your already shitty food in a pretentious manor is a recipe for disaster and a huge mistake.

SFMP spoke to Red Lobster's executive chef Michael Samuelson who was less than thrilled about the new plating and would prefer an upgrade to the food. "I just wished we used live lobster," confessed Samuelson, "There's something terribly exciting about throwing a live lobster into a pot and hearing it thrash against the lid of the pot until it succumbs to the boiling water. I'd want our patrons to feel that same excitement!"


Red Lobster has no plans of boiling lobster table-side and while they've  made no commitment to higher quality food or a new menu, Lopdrup explained that with companies like Bubba Gump Shrimp taking over a large market share of the shitty seafood industry they have their work cut out for them. With the right plating they feel confident in their ability to charge more for the same shitty seafood they've always served. I'm just waiting for them to tell us that their famous cheddar cheese biscuits are artisanally handcrafted.

Related: TGI Friday's Rolls Out New Handcrafted Food Trucks

Dear Mr. Tom Hanks,
I just wanted to take a minute to write to you and thank you for being such an inspiration to me! I've seen just about all of your movies and I cannot think of another actor who is able to embody the emotions of the human spirit better than you. You have me laughing one minute and then crying the next. I always leave your movies wondering who I am as a person and Louise (That's my wife), starts to question me as a man! Any time I start to tear up she always says, "Harold are you cryin'? Aw gee pull it together will ya? The popcorn is salty enough as it is, I don't need your tears in there!" I try to explain to her that there's more to life than salty popcorn. Don't get me wrong I'm not one of them tummy ticklers; I like football as much as the next guy, but sometimes a man needs to feel a little vulnerable. Sometime ya just need a good cry. You know what I'm saying? Boy oh boy. Would you look at me? I have gotten so sidetracked.

What really inspired me to write you is your shrimp company, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. I mean how the heck do you find the time?! I can barely get my garage organized and here you are making Captain Phillips, Saving Mr. Banks and running thirty-nine restaurants world wide all in one year? I gotta ask you, how do you do it? Let me just be clear, I'm not stupid. I know you're not in all of your restaurants everyday, cause Louise and I took a trip to New York City a few years back. Louise told me that we could either go to a small family-run Italian place called the Olive Garden or we could go to your restaurant, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. That was an easy one for me, I said, "I want to eat some shrimp and meet Tom Hanks!" I looked all over for you and thought, "Well maybe Tom is working in the kitchen today." That's when I realized that you, Tom Hanks, wouldn't be at the New York City location when there's a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in Los Angeles!

So about a year ago Louise and I packed up our Chevy Cobalt and drove all the way to Los Angeles, the city where you live, from Mississippi! We arrived on a Thursday and Louise asked me, "Harold, do you want to go to this little family run Chinese place called Panda Express or Bubba Gump Shrimp Company?" Like she even had to ask! I tell ya Tom, sometimes Louise can be so ridiculous! So we go to Bubba Gump Shrimp Company out there on this big pier right by the ocean and I couldn't find you there either! Our waiter told us, "Tom? Tom Hanks? Ohhhhh riiiiight Tom. Tom only comes in to this location on the weekends. He's at the Hollywood location on weekdays because it works better with his movie schedule." Of course. How stupid of me!

Finally we had the information we needed and when Monday we went to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Again. And I walked all over the restaurant looking for you. Again. And I didn't see you. Again. As disappointed as I was to not get the opportunity to shake your hand, I loved your restaurant every time. If you had been there it would have been icing on the cake, but I realized that you don't have time to be making movies, catching all them shrimp, and watching over all them restaurants.

It wasn't until earlier this year when I saw Captain Phillips (Which of course made me cry) that I was finally able to piece everything together. You're not a shrimp boat captain anymore at all. You've probably got another business going in the shipping industry that I didn't even know about. Well let me just tell you "Thank you" from the bottom of my heart. What an inspiration. You make me want to take on more responsibility in my life. If you can make all them movies, have a family, fight pirates, ship supplies all over the world, all while running a multi-million dollar shrimp restaurant, then I can at least help Louise with all them dishes I've been leaving in the sink.

Your dear friend,
Harold Grissett

LOS ANGELES - It’s 5am at Ralph’s Fresh Fare grocery store on Olympic Boulevard in Century City and an artisan bread maker, Chad Yeasterly is sliding his first loaf of the day into the four-hundred degree oven. “I’m in charge of all the artisanally handcrafted breads.” said Yeasterly, “I usually make about thirty loaves every morning.” Despite the tough economy, the artisanal, handcrafted industry has taken off like a rocket in recent years and with large chain restaurants like TGI Fridays and Panda Express trying their hands at "handcraftedness" the market shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Artisans are now in higher demand than any point in history. “I was in seafood before this,” Yeasterly says. “Then they moved me over to the rotisserie chicken department and I was so good at putting chickens in the oven that my boss thought that maybe I could put bread in an oven too. I was in prison two months ago so I’m really just overjoyed to have this opportunity.” Yeasterly explains that while in prison he was artisanally handcrafting license plates and that if Ralph’s calls on him to do so, he can also make artisanally handcrafted methamphetamine.

Over at the the in-store Starbucks, one of Yeasterly’s co-workers, Brian Fructola practices making Fizzio, Starbucks' new handcrafted soda. Fructola moves with ease as he prepares a Golden Ginger Ale saying, “I mean it’s just soda and we put it into a Fizzio machine. So I think the handcrafting is mostly just pouring soda into a cup?” A humble man by today’s standards, Fructola clearly has the skill and ambition to attain the title of “Master Artisan” later in life. He rarely takes time away from his craft of handcrafting things, “Dude, this is just a summer job. It’s pretty cool though. I can handcraft joints during my lunch break and no one seems to care.” A traditionalist in every sense, after I purchase a grande Fizzio, Fructola also handcrafts my receipt and the correct change for my transaction. The refreshing elixir is served to me in an artisanal plastic cup with my name handcrafted on the side in black ink. Fructola even goes so far as to take artistic license with the spelling of my name.  

It is a truly refreshing experience which is exactly what Starbucks had in mind when they entered the soda market, “We had heard from our customers that they’re looking for more refreshing, cold beverages, especially during the warm summer months,” said Norm Burrows, group president, “Fizzio Handcrafted Soda is unlike any soda in the marketplace because it’s handcrafted and made-to-order each time. By adding an “io” to the word “Fizz” we make an otherwise pedestrian beverage sound Italian and exotic. Plus, by taking three minutes to pour a soda instead of the typical thirty seconds we can charge customers three times as much money.”

Not since the Middle Ages has the career path of artisan been so sought-after. During that era, "artisan" was a coveted title reserved only for those who were the most skilled laborers. With highly trained modern day craftsmen like Yeasterly and Frutola that title is surely in good hands.

Click here to find out how to turn 7-11 taquitos into the BIG HIT at your dinner party!

LOS ANGELES - It's been about two months since we broke the news that Kim Kardashian had gone on a drastic butt expanding diet in an effort to, "Provide the tabloids with excellent ground-breaking stories every week." It seems that Kardashian has indeed stuck to the highly regimented diet as she revealed her ever expanding rump at the beach this past weekend to hoards of cheering onlookers. "A lot of people just want to go to the beach, enjoy the sand, the sun, and the ocean and relax, but this isn't about my enjoyment." said the reality TV star, "This is about pleasing the tabloids." The National Enquirer shut down all of their other operations to cover the big reveal. "We really can't thank Kim enough. When she said she was going to go on a diet that will continually expand her butt, we were skeptical to say the least," explained N.E. reporter Brian Cunningham. "It's one of those celebrity diets that sounded too good to be true, but if there's anyone who could make it succeed, it's Kim. As a reporter, you wait your entire life for a story like this." The reality television star's unveiling came just in time for beach season. While many celebrities this time of year focus on toning every part of their body, often times with varied results, Kardashian, it seems, has stumbled upon the secret to an amazing beach body. Focus on the thing that's most important and you won't just have a great body for the tabloids, you'll will provide the world with inspiration. "Everyone wants you to focus on making the music, but to me it's about pure creativity. I'm looking beyond the music. I'm moving forward. I'm living in the second life. People want to think about all that is, all that ever was!" exclaimed Kim's soon to be hubby Kayne West. When pressed further about what he meant, West hugged multiple paparazzi and yelled, "IT'S ALL ABOUT THAT ASS! IT"S ALL ABOUT THE ASS! It's powerful. When I need inspiration I climb up inside of Kim's ass. It's dark. It's expansive. It let's me get away. It takes me to another dimension. I let my mind wander and I create." A source close to the couple confirmed West's comments elaborating that the musical genius conceptualized the Yeezus album while spending a week in Kim's backside. While Kardashian has plans to continue to expand her "Empire", she hopes that her butt diet won't just inspire Ye, but will also empower young women everywhere. "I always craved the attention of the tabloids and I want young women everywhere to realize that if you eat right you can achieve anything."

LOS ANGELES - For a restaurant that has a reputation for posting up on major college campuses and malls across America, I'd say that Panda Express actually isn't the worst. I can't think of another Chinese fast food chain at the moment, but Panda can't be the worst. They're never going to blow your minds with something new, but you'll almost always walk away feeling like you just ate some top quality frozen Chinese food paired with only a moderate feeling of regret. 

Until now! Panda Express is taking frozen Chinese food to new heights with their Panda Express Innovator Kitchen! If you were wondering, "Is there any way I could pay more for Panda's signature frozen Chinese food, while being visually tricked into thinking that it's more delicious?" Well wonder no more! The Panda has rolled out their new Panda Express Innovator Kitchen with all the accouterments of a Chinese tea house. Is China famous for their tea houses? I'm not really sure. Maybe that's a Japanese thing. Maybe when you read that you said to yourself, "Chinese. Japanese. Same thing." You might be racist. Get your ass over to the Panda Innovation Kitchen to make up for it!

Gone are the stereotypical rice paper globes. The innovator kitchen has stereotypical wooden globes instead! One has to wonder if they are simply experimenting with the basic concept of this website: That you can charge more money and make people think your food is better through deceit, lies and trickery. It's amazing how much more you can charge for shitty food when you add interesting light fixtures and some wooden murals of bonsai trees. 

While most of the decorations were met with ooos and ahhas one patron had the guile to question the entire operation saying, "Wait just a minute. Isn't bonsai a Japanese thing? Are they just trying to trick us?" When pressed further, a Panda manager said, It's Asian okay! Close enough! This is a new dining experience. This is elevated frozen Chinese food. Did you not see the battery powered candles? What about the wood? The wood certainly provides an ambiance that enhances the flavor of the food. RIGHT?! THOSE LIGHT FIXTURES ARE FROM CB2 FOR GOODNESS SAKES! THAT'S A COOLER CRATE AND BARREL! DOESN'T THE FOOD TASTE BETTER NOW? THE BULBS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE FROM A FARMHOUSE. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS THIS IS ALL ARTISANALLY HANDCRAFTED FOOD! THAT'S NOT JUST A TERM WE USE LIGHTLY! THIS IS INNOVATIVE STUFF, OK?! WE HAVE REAL ASIANS IN HERE. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET REAL ASIANS IN AN AMERICAN FAST FOOD CHINESE RESTAURANT? WE'RE DOING THE BEST WE CAN. Also please don't forget to stop by the artisanally handcrafted tea bar. It's over by the Chinese symbol for tea."

When asked to comment on the managers tirade an old Chinese man seated in a corner booth with his arms folded, wisely said in a deep voice, "Mmmmmmmmhmmmm. Aaahhhhhhhhh."

Fancy Feast takes the cake for making shitty food pretentious. I can't compete. They served it in a pristine white bowl, they added sprigs of herbs on top, they plated it in a flower pattern, they called them "appetizers" and "entrees".  I only served a chili dog to a Maltese. But that's all I did. I didn't have a quasi-sexual relationship with the animal. Listen to the lyrics, Fancy Feast took it to a new level. This woman starts by wining and dining the cat, setting the mood for the evening ahead. Seems innocent enough, but listen more closely to the lyrics. It appears that this flirtatious appetizer and entree are not as innocent as it appears:

This commercial begs the question, "Hey lady, are you having sex with this poor cat?". No there are much bigger plans afoot. If this goes as planned they'll be spending the rest of their lives together.

LOS ANGELES - Sources close to Kim Kardashian have reported that her butt will not stop growing. In recent months the reality TV star and tabloid darling has experimented with a number of diets that will help her butt grow and finally found one that will provide her with the indeterminate butt growth she desires. According to her publicist, Kim is on an ideal diet in which all of her caloric intake goes directly to her butt. When asked about the diet, Kim had this to say, "I just want to be able to provide the tabloids with excellent ground-breaking stories every week. If my butt continues to grow, then they will always have an opportunity for quality reporting." Kardashian and fiance Kanye West recently added an addition to their Bel Air mansion for the future growth of Kim's butt.  "The addition to the mansion as well as the butt," says West, "is really something we're doing to show our appreciation to the tabloids." West's butt aspirations for Kim aren't purely philanthropic, as he went on to say, "I mean, I gotta be honest. This isn't completely charitable because you know what I like the most about Kim? That fat ass! Well actually it's that she's the mother of my baby, next it's her personality, after that, I like her ambition. I also think she's really pretty, but after those things, IT'S THAT FAT ASS!" Kim stated that she hopes someday her butt will be large enough that a forklift will have to follow her behind wherever she goes. 

At 33, Kardashian is not at the ideal age for butt growth. Doctors believe that planned butt growth for a woman is best in their twenties and complications may occur for older women. This problem is all too familiar for American Idol judge and longtime Kardashian friend Jennifer Lopez, "I get what Kim is going through and I understand the need for this diet. As women age, it just becomes harder and harder to maintain continual butt growth." In recent months a number of female celebrities are taking on butt diets in order to provide the tabloids with amazing news stories. Lopez went on to say, "This is a plight that all women go through. Hollywood and the media have unattainable butt standards. Finding the right butt diet is crucial to providing the media with excellent stories, week in and week out."  Kardashian hopes that her diet will empower everyday women, and cautioned that having the support of her fiance, friends like Lopez, as well as a team of dietitians and doctors have made it considerably easier for her to stick to her rigorous butt diet. She does worry that everyday women without her resources may struggle to grow their butts at first, however, as with any diet, she recommends gradual nutritional changes for a healthy rump.

I love grilled cheese. It might be my favorite thing to make and eat. This was at a grilled cheese place in Silver Lake called Heywood. I think a normal grilled cheese should cost around $4 or $5. This grilled cheese was pretty good, but what makes it cost $11 you ask?
1. You get to eat it off of a wooden plate. Feels like you're on a farm or in the country. "Wow is this farm to table?" +$2
2. A ramekin of soup. Ramekins of this size are usually used for small desserts and condiments. +$1
3. A small pile of mixed greens. +$1
4. A silver spoon. DO YOU LIKE THE PRIVILEGED LIFE? Well that's gonna cost you $2.