LOS ANGELES - For a restaurant that has a reputation for posting up on major college campuses and malls across America, I'd say that Panda Express actually isn't the worst. I can't think of another Chinese fast food chain at the moment, but Panda can't be the worst. They're never going to blow your minds with something new, but you'll almost always walk away feeling like you just ate some top quality frozen Chinese food paired with only a moderate feeling of regret.
Until now! Panda Express is taking frozen Chinese food to new heights with their Panda Express Innovator Kitchen! If you were wondering, "Is there any way I could pay more for Panda's signature frozen Chinese food, while being visually tricked into thinking that it's more delicious?" Well wonder no more! The Panda has rolled out their new Panda Express Innovator Kitchen with all the accouterments of a Chinese tea house. Is China famous for their tea houses? I'm not really sure. Maybe that's a Japanese thing. Maybe when you read that you said to yourself, "Chinese. Japanese. Same thing." You might be racist. Get your ass over to the Panda Innovation Kitchen to make up for it!
Gone are the stereotypical rice paper globes. The innovator kitchen has stereotypical wooden globes instead! One has to wonder if they are simply experimenting with the basic concept of this website: That you can charge more money and make people think your food is better through deceit, lies and trickery. It's amazing how much more you can charge for shitty food when you add interesting light fixtures and some wooden murals of bonsai trees.
While most of the decorations were met with ooos and ahhas one patron had the guile to question the entire operation saying, "Wait just a minute. Isn't bonsai a Japanese thing? Are they just trying to trick us?" When pressed further, a Panda manager said, It's Asian okay! Close enough! This is a new dining experience. This is elevated frozen Chinese food. Did you not see the battery powered candles? What about the wood? The wood certainly provides an ambiance that enhances the flavor of the food. RIGHT?! THOSE LIGHT FIXTURES ARE FROM CB2 FOR GOODNESS SAKES! THAT'S A COOLER CRATE AND BARREL! DOESN'T THE FOOD TASTE BETTER NOW? THE BULBS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE FROM A FARMHOUSE. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS THIS IS ALL ARTISANALLY HANDCRAFTED FOOD! THAT'S NOT JUST A TERM WE USE LIGHTLY! THIS IS INNOVATIVE STUFF, OK?! WE HAVE REAL ASIANS IN HERE. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET REAL ASIANS IN AN AMERICAN FAST FOOD CHINESE RESTAURANT? WE'RE DOING THE BEST WE CAN. Also please don't forget to stop by the artisanally handcrafted tea bar. It's over by the Chinese symbol for tea."
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When asked to comment on the managers tirade an old Chinese man seated in a corner booth with his arms folded, wisely said in a deep voice, "Mmmmmmmmhmmmm. Aaahhhhhhhhh."