Dear Beef Makers of America,
I just wanted to take a minute to thank y'all for yer beef. I probably eat beef about three nights a week. If given the opportunity I'd eat it just about every night of the week, but Louise does the cooking around here and she likes to throw in some other meats a few nights a week. "We can't just eat beef all the time," she tells me. Now I don't know that that's true. I once saw this documentary about a guy that ate McDonald's for an entire month; he didn't seem all too pleased about doing so, but along his travels he met a man that only ate Big Macs! Big Macs for lunch and dinner everyday! Can you imagine someone doing such a thing?! If you can't, you should probably watch this documentary. Now some people might call a man like that crazy, but he was actually really healthy. They had a doctor test his cholesterol and everything! I gotta admit he seemed like a bit of a weirdo and if you told me that he had bodies hidden in a closet somewhere or that he dressed up like a dang mascot when he had sex, then I'd say there's no way yer lying! But then I said to myself, "Now wait just a minute Harold. You gotta look at the positives here. This man has been eating beef sandwiches for the past thirty-some years for both lunch and dinner and is healthy as can be. There's gotta be something to that." So I had Louise start fixing me beef based meals - hamburgers, hamburger and rice, steak sandwich, meatloaf, and of course good old fashioned steak. You name the meal we were eating and it had beef in it. Louise has cut it down our beef meals to a maximum of four beef based dinners a week, but sometimes I sneak a little more beef when she ain't looking. I got some of my friends on the all beef diet too! I tell Louise, "I'm going to play poker with the boys tonight," but we never play poker; we just hang out and eat beef together. Sometimes we just drink beef consume. It's so fantastic. Y'all should come by sometime. It'd be great to have some more beef enthusiasts in the room!
I just wanted to take a minute to thank y'all for yer beef. I probably eat beef about three nights a week. If given the opportunity I'd eat it just about every night of the week, but Louise does the cooking around here and she likes to throw in some other meats a few nights a week. "We can't just eat beef all the time," she tells me. Now I don't know that that's true. I once saw this documentary about a guy that ate McDonald's for an entire month; he didn't seem all too pleased about doing so, but along his travels he met a man that only ate Big Macs! Big Macs for lunch and dinner everyday! Can you imagine someone doing such a thing?! If you can't, you should probably watch this documentary. Now some people might call a man like that crazy, but he was actually really healthy. They had a doctor test his cholesterol and everything! I gotta admit he seemed like a bit of a weirdo and if you told me that he had bodies hidden in a closet somewhere or that he dressed up like a dang mascot when he had sex, then I'd say there's no way yer lying! But then I said to myself, "Now wait just a minute Harold. You gotta look at the positives here. This man has been eating beef sandwiches for the past thirty-some years for both lunch and dinner and is healthy as can be. There's gotta be something to that." So I had Louise start fixing me beef based meals - hamburgers, hamburger and rice, steak sandwich, meatloaf, and of course good old fashioned steak. You name the meal we were eating and it had beef in it. Louise has cut it down our beef meals to a maximum of four beef based dinners a week, but sometimes I sneak a little more beef when she ain't looking. I got some of my friends on the all beef diet too! I tell Louise, "I'm going to play poker with the boys tonight," but we never play poker; we just hang out and eat beef together. Sometimes we just drink beef consume. It's so fantastic. Y'all should come by sometime. It'd be great to have some more beef enthusiasts in the room!
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What I really wanted to thank you for is the way you make your beef. Louise and I were down in Biloxi a little while back shopping for antiques. Now I'm not one to really get into antiquities; I think it's kind for old ladies, but it seems to make Louise happy so we go sometimes. That show American Pickers at least made it a little more manly to like old stuff. We don't just have to enjoy fine China anymore! Now I can say to man now, "Hey check out my old gas pump!" and they can openly enjoy my gas pump without the whole world thinking we're gay.
At any rate, when I'm with Louise I still need a break from time to time. So I told her I'm going to go to the diner and get a burger and read the paper and you know what? They had an article in the Biloxi Post about how y'all were injecting your cows with steroids and growth hormones. People seemed to be pretty upset about it. Now I can't speak for the younger folks, but when I read that y'all were putting steroids in your beef, I couldn't help but be thrilled! I wanted to eat more beef than ever. My best days are behind me and my body ain't what it used to be, so when I heard y'all were just putting free steroids in my beef I couldn't help but be thankful! Everyone says steroids has side effects, I heard men start to get breasts, their balls stop working properly and ya get a bad heart. But I'm like, "I got all those things wrong with me anyhow." I ain't had a peck on my chest in about twenty five years. My doctor already told me I got a bad ticker (which is one reason I started eating all this beef) and my balls...don't even get me started about my balls. I don't need them anymore. You can have 'em back! Louise certainly don't need 'em either if ya catch my drift. They're more of a burden to me than anything else in my life. You try finding a pair of underwear that holds all that properly in one place comfortably. What I can find is beef!
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At my age I just do not see the downside of eating some steroids in my beef. For me there are no downsides. I'm excited to have bigger muscles than ever. What's the worst that could happen? I start hitting home runs? I been on my beef based diet for about two years now and have been putting on weight at a rate that is unprecedented in my life. I must've gained me about 85 pounds, but I know it's only a matter of time before the steroids kick in and all that extra weight turns into muscle. I can't wait. Keep up the good work and thank y'all from the bottom of my heart.
Sincerely,
Harold Grissett
Sincerely,
Harold Grissett