1. Your friends will finally know that you are better than them.
This was never in question, but a dinner party will finally validate what you've been thinking all this time. Before your guests come over be sure to memorize the following sentences, "Oh this? It didn't even take that long to make...I get 92% of my news from the New Yorker...I think the best way to help raise people out of poverty is though a grassroots effort...I only eat fair trade products...It's my contention that Wes Anderson is the only filmmaker really exploring the banal side of the human experience." They'll have no choice but to acknowledge how perfect you really are.
2. Your house will be Patrick Bateman clean.
Your home will be cleaner than it has ever been. Sure there will be papers shoved in drawers and closets, but that's a small price to pay for the chance to trick people into thinking you're perfect. If you weren't feeding people it would look like you are a serial killer trying to cover up the fact that you have bodies stored in your secret basement (which now has tons of papers in it). Who's hungry?
3. You get to have a fight about kale!
Haven't had a fight with your significant other in a while? Now's your chance! Obviously you'll be making a salad with kale. Iceberg? What are we, plebeians? But which type of kale? It's tough decision that can only be made after an argument in the produce aisle of the grocery store that ends with someone yelling, "Yeah? Well that's why we go see my family for the holidays!" Don't worry the salad is going to be great!
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4. Your relationship gets a boost.
You'll have a kale fight and feelings will be hurt, but if you're in a long term relationship a dinner party is great because it will fill an entire week of time and conversation. The preparation alone will fill three days and after your guests leave you can rehash all of the things you talked about during the party for another four days. A long term relationship inevitably has ebbs and flows of conversation. Having dinner guests over will inject life into your conversation. "Can you believe how loud he chewed?" is six hours of new conversation! Events like this will help fill the void of time as you and your significant other inch closer and closer to your inevitable deaths and give your relationship a serious boost in the meantime!
5. You can get hammered at home.
Getting drunk at home is the best place to get drunk! Drink while you prepare the food and by the time your guests arrive you'll be at the peak of your personality. You can't get funnier or more charming. This is your time to shine! Find a recipe for a weird cocktail on the internet. Preferably something with zest. Tell your guests that you love testing your "mixology skills". Little do they know that this is the only place you're testing them out. Who cares you're drunk! Drink as much as you want; you're steps from your bedroom so the only consequence is having a great time. Who knows how your guests are getting home? Not your problem! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
6. Get paid to make a playlist.
You could take the day off work to create a playlist, but why not get paid to create one instead? It's kind of like shitting at work. Why would you even bother doing it at home? I guess emergencies happen, but you get the point. Your playlist is crucial to executing number one on this list. It should be filled with a mixture of indie rock and Motown allowing you to spew out your knowledge of both interesting aspects of current music and black culture. "Bon Iver inspired me to move to the woods and just get away from it all. Just unplug and find myself. You know? What's that? Well no I haven't done it yet, but I'm planning on it. It's only a matter of time." Motown let's your guests know that you understand music history and different cultural aspects of American life. There's no black people at your party? That's perfect; you just became the resident expert of black culture and there is no one there to question your bullshit.
7. You get to play the role of couples therapist.
Bring up a little pet peeve you have with your significant other. This will make your friends comfortable with sharing their own problems. Don't volunteer any additional information about your own relationship. Just ask followup questions and let the floodgates open!
8. Let the world know that you are the best!
You get to post pictures on social media! Why stop at impressing just your guests? A dinner party isn't about having a pleasant evening with friends. It's about proving to the entire world that you're an awesome host, chef, mixologist, and all around tasteful person! Many of your friends will comment about how great everything looks and how awesome you are while also wondering, "Why didn't I get invited?" Be sure to tag your guests in the post so they get notifications about comments from people they don't know. People love that and it will remind them that your dinner party was a huge success!
