Valentine's Day is right around the corner. If you're like me you'll try to avoid the typical night out at a restaurant. Go out on the 13th or the 15th when they haven't prepared a "special" menu for you. Why not impress your Valentine's date with a romantic dessert instead? Maybe you're not a top-notch chef. Maybe you don't have the budget to create amazing desserts. Not to worry, knock your date's socks (and pants) off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re making a trio of desserts!
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Let's start with gathering the supplies by heading to an establishment known for selling a bunch of garbage that no one needs, 7-11. 7-11 has to be one of the most diverse establishments around. You can pick up beer, a bag of ice, fire wood, motor oil, Advil, condoms, lottery tickets, a migrant worker and any array of shitty foods that you can imagine. I'm pretty sure they just come with a homeless guy out front, so it's the ideal store to shop for this shitty dish. I also went to a Ralph's grocery store to pick some additional items that 7-11 didn't have.
Ingredients
The cheap products will do just fine. No need to go fancy. We're already making it pretentious. No need to be redundant.
The cheap products will do just fine. No need to go fancy. We're already making it pretentious. No need to be redundant.
- Pudding - Chocolate or vanilla. It's Valentine's Day though and the ladies tend to prefer chocolate.
- Whipped topping - It's not even "Whipped Cream"! That's how you know it's crap. Whipped cream is one of the few things that has all of the ingredients and the method of creating it in the name. Then they ruined it.
- Chocolate bars - Take your pick. I went with milk chocolate, but if the store has dark chocolate go for that. After all you're trying to get laid here and people seem to associate dark chocolate with sex for some reason. Yeah there is a black joke here, but this isn't a racist site.
- Canned cherries - I went with dark cherries. They're more pretentious than the bright red cherries and it'll be easier to trick your date into thinking they're something special even though they're still canned.
- Cakes - This is really where 7-11 shines! You can get a number of snack cakes on their shelves, coffee cakes, Twinkies, honey buns...the list goes on. I used the pound cake. Like I said you're trying to get laid, so POUND cake is ideal. The name will undoubtedly seep into your date's subconscious whether they like it or not. This is a calculated Freudian decision.
- Cookies - 7-11 shines again. I went with their bootleg Thin Mints. Leave it to 7-11 to rip off the Girl Scouts.
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Dessert Numero Uno - Chocolate Mousse
Step 1 - Fluff Your Pudding
We're going to start by fluffing up the pudding to make it more of a mousse consistency. Empty a couple of pudding cups into a bowl. If you're a terrible parent this is what you feed your kids to shut them up:
"Check out our pudding. It needs no refrigeration" What?! Pudding usually has milk in it right?! "Nah we took care of it. Feed it to your kids!" You don't even have branding on the cups? "We don't have that kind of budget, just feet it to you kids." My kids are dying. "Well have you considered feeding them our pudding?"
Add an equal amount of whipped topping. Then fold it into the pudding with a spatula. Don't stir it or it will lose it's fluff. In this Valentine's dessert situation the mousse is your fluffer, getting everything ready and the mood just right for the rest of the night.
Step 1 - Fluff Your Pudding
We're going to start by fluffing up the pudding to make it more of a mousse consistency. Empty a couple of pudding cups into a bowl. If you're a terrible parent this is what you feed your kids to shut them up:
"Check out our pudding. It needs no refrigeration" What?! Pudding usually has milk in it right?! "Nah we took care of it. Feed it to your kids!" You don't even have branding on the cups? "We don't have that kind of budget, just feet it to you kids." My kids are dying. "Well have you considered feeding them our pudding?"
Add an equal amount of whipped topping. Then fold it into the pudding with a spatula. Don't stir it or it will lose it's fluff. In this Valentine's dessert situation the mousse is your fluffer, getting everything ready and the mood just right for the rest of the night.
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Step 2 - Go to Marshalls
Marshall's slogan, "So much for so little" is right in line with the general credo of SFMP and happens to be a great place to pick up a martini glass for practically nothing. Empty the "mousse" into the martini glass. OHHHH LOOK WHOSE PUDDING JUST GOT CLASSED UP!!! Add some more whipped topping on top for contrast.
Marshall's slogan, "So much for so little" is right in line with the general credo of SFMP and happens to be a great place to pick up a martini glass for practically nothing. Empty the "mousse" into the martini glass. OHHHH LOOK WHOSE PUDDING JUST GOT CLASSED UP!!! Add some more whipped topping on top for contrast.
Step 3 - Not Everything has to be Shitty
Go to a farmers market and buy a single strawberry. Add it to the glass. It's red, it looks like a heart and women love them with chocolate for some reason. Cut a couple strips of the Hershey chocolate bar and add those too. I usually don't like using any quality products in my dishes, but it's Valentine's Day and we're trying to get you laid, so let's go all out and spend that extra $1.50! By the time she gets to the pudding she'll be on her way to assuming you're the most amazing man in the world. If you're a woman reading this you should know that none of this is necessary. The guy in your life at any moment will just sleep with you. No questions asked. You could call up a lot of guys that aren't in your life and they'll probably offer to sleep with you too. If you're a lesbian...well I really have no expertise there, but as sad as it is, I'm sure the last sentence still holds true even if you try to convince them otherwise.
Go to a farmers market and buy a single strawberry. Add it to the glass. It's red, it looks like a heart and women love them with chocolate for some reason. Cut a couple strips of the Hershey chocolate bar and add those too. I usually don't like using any quality products in my dishes, but it's Valentine's Day and we're trying to get you laid, so let's go all out and spend that extra $1.50! By the time she gets to the pudding she'll be on her way to assuming you're the most amazing man in the world. If you're a woman reading this you should know that none of this is necessary. The guy in your life at any moment will just sleep with you. No questions asked. You could call up a lot of guys that aren't in your life and they'll probably offer to sleep with you too. If you're a lesbian...well I really have no expertise there, but as sad as it is, I'm sure the last sentence still holds true even if you try to convince them otherwise.
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Step 4 - Ashy Ass Cookies
Hey 7-11 have you ever thought about putting some lotion on your cookies? Cause they're ashy. They look like square elbows. I messed with the image in Photoshop and they still look awful. Mash that shit up for a 7-11 Select "Fudge mint" crumble and spread it evenly on top of the dish.
Hey 7-11 have you ever thought about putting some lotion on your cookies? Cause they're ashy. They look like square elbows. I messed with the image in Photoshop and they still look awful. Mash that shit up for a 7-11 Select "Fudge mint" crumble and spread it evenly on top of the dish.
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Step 5 - Finish it Off
Finally put the martini glass on top of a plate. Strain the cherry syrup into a small squeeze bottle and add some dabs to the plate. Add a line of cookie crumble and a small pile of chopped up cherries. Tell your date it's a cherry compote and watch her eyes light up with enthusiasm.
Finally put the martini glass on top of a plate. Strain the cherry syrup into a small squeeze bottle and add some dabs to the plate. Add a line of cookie crumble and a small pile of chopped up cherries. Tell your date it's a cherry compote and watch her eyes light up with enthusiasm.
Dessert Numero Dos - A Tiny Cake
Step 1 - Cut out a Heart
No more time for fun and games. Get literal with this one. Cut out a heart from the pound cake. Lucky for me my girlfriend owns heart shaped cookie cutters. With proper care this can also be done with a knife too. You also want to make sure that this dessert is light and small; don't put your date into a food coma. Unless you're a real creep your night will be over.
Step 1 - Cut out a Heart
No more time for fun and games. Get literal with this one. Cut out a heart from the pound cake. Lucky for me my girlfriend owns heart shaped cookie cutters. With proper care this can also be done with a knife too. You also want to make sure that this dessert is light and small; don't put your date into a food coma. Unless you're a real creep your night will be over.
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Add a layer of whipped topping to the pound cake. Look at that! It already seems like we've improved it and it's just shitty pound cake and fake whipped cream.
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Step 2 - Jackson Pollock This Thing
Women love it when guys are artsy, but not too artsy. They want you to be a man, but for one day a year it wouldn't hurt if you treated them like a muse. Use the squirt bottle full of cherry syrup to create a pattern on the plate. It doesn't have to be perfect, but make sure you don't make it look like it was done by a child. THIS IS NOT THE NIGHT TO BE THINKING OF CHILDREN! As far as plate selection goes, use something white and clean. I actually used a cake stand (also owned by my GF); that way it looks like you're putting your heart on a pedestal for her. Lets be honest though your heart is simply for pumping blood to other parts of your body.
Women love it when guys are artsy, but not too artsy. They want you to be a man, but for one day a year it wouldn't hurt if you treated them like a muse. Use the squirt bottle full of cherry syrup to create a pattern on the plate. It doesn't have to be perfect, but make sure you don't make it look like it was done by a child. THIS IS NOT THE NIGHT TO BE THINKING OF CHILDREN! As far as plate selection goes, use something white and clean. I actually used a cake stand (also owned by my GF); that way it looks like you're putting your heart on a pedestal for her. Lets be honest though your heart is simply for pumping blood to other parts of your body.
Step 3 - Add Your Cake
Transfer your pound cake on top of your art work. Then add some of the cookie crumbs to the top for both texture and complexity.
Transfer your pound cake on top of your art work. Then add some of the cookie crumbs to the top for both texture and complexity.
Step 4 - Doll it Up
This is a little like women adding make up - time to fool everyone and hide the mistakes and blemishes. Add a bunch of other shit. Cut some cherries up and strategically place them. Cut up some of the chocolate and put that on there. Add a dab of whipped topping. Sprinkle more cookie crumbs. Sprinkle some confectioner sugar if you have some. You're going to have to use your best judgement here. Just bear in mind that there is about fifty cents worth of food on this plate. You want to disguise that fact while not overdoing it and creating suspicion.
This step should also remind you to give your lady a compliment on her make up. She worked hard on it; probably so you don't judge her and are also attracted to her at the same time. Let her know that it's appreciated.
This is a little like women adding make up - time to fool everyone and hide the mistakes and blemishes. Add a bunch of other shit. Cut some cherries up and strategically place them. Cut up some of the chocolate and put that on there. Add a dab of whipped topping. Sprinkle more cookie crumbs. Sprinkle some confectioner sugar if you have some. You're going to have to use your best judgement here. Just bear in mind that there is about fifty cents worth of food on this plate. You want to disguise that fact while not overdoing it and creating suspicion.
This step should also remind you to give your lady a compliment on her make up. She worked hard on it; probably so you don't judge her and are also attracted to her at the same time. Let her know that it's appreciated.
Dessert Numero Trio - GET...IT...ON!
Step 1 - Buy a Condom
Like I have already stated above. THIS IS HER DAY. IT'S FOR HER. Why not make it for "Her pleasure"? Get a condom with some built in "Sensations armor". Ribs. That's going to give her some additional sexual pleasure by creating slightly more friction than normal and make you seem super human. The more important aspect of her pleasure is that she won't be getting pregnant - a process that is very pleasurable at the start but followed by 18-25 years of displeasure depending on your parenting skills.
Like I have already stated above. THIS IS HER DAY. IT'S FOR HER. Why not make it for "Her pleasure"? Get a condom with some built in "Sensations armor". Ribs. That's going to give her some additional sexual pleasure by creating slightly more friction than normal and make you seem super human. The more important aspect of her pleasure is that she won't be getting pregnant - a process that is very pleasurable at the start but followed by 18-25 years of displeasure depending on your parenting skills.
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Step 2 - Surprise Cake
Okay I may have left out a surprise aspect of the tiny cake. But you want this to be a surprise to her too. Prior to plating the pound cake cut a small, round divot in the bottom. Place a condom inside. By the time your date gets to it she will be so impressed with your "cooking" skills that she won't even be disgusted that she just ate a condom filled cake! You're probably thinking, "Is this the most amazing Valentine's Day dessert ever?" Nope, it's just shitty food made pretentious.
Okay I may have left out a surprise aspect of the tiny cake. But you want this to be a surprise to her too. Prior to plating the pound cake cut a small, round divot in the bottom. Place a condom inside. By the time your date gets to it she will be so impressed with your "cooking" skills that she won't even be disgusted that she just ate a condom filled cake! You're probably thinking, "Is this the most amazing Valentine's Day dessert ever?" Nope, it's just shitty food made pretentious.
