Thanksgiving is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS. It sets the tone for the amount of weight I'm going to gain from now until New Years Day when I finally look in the mirror at my swollen body and say, "I am going to change!" Things do change for a month or so until I realize that maybe I'm not as strong willed as I thought and the cycle continues. But now is not the time to worry about future dieting pitfalls! Now is the time to cook a shitty Thanksgiving dinner!
 |  |
Step One - Get Your Shit Together
Thanksgiving is a tremendous opportunity for everyone in the family to show off their cooking skills with amazing handcrafted meals, but this is "Shitty Food Made Pretentious" not "Let's Cook Excellent Food and Enjoy It". Start by picking up your shitty food. If you're not sure what is shitty Thanksgiving food then go to a local food drive and you'll get an idea. Instant stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, instant gravy, instant cranberry sauce, instant turkey lunch meat, and an instant apple. If the labels on the cans are upside down then you've managed to find the shittiest food in the store! As you're making and eating this food keep in mind that this is what we give the homeless to eat every day of the year.
Thanksgiving is a tremendous opportunity for everyone in the family to show off their cooking skills with amazing handcrafted meals, but this is "Shitty Food Made Pretentious" not "Let's Cook Excellent Food and Enjoy It". Start by picking up your shitty food. If you're not sure what is shitty Thanksgiving food then go to a local food drive and you'll get an idea. Instant stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, instant gravy, instant cranberry sauce, instant turkey lunch meat, and an instant apple. If the labels on the cans are upside down then you've managed to find the shittiest food in the store! As you're making and eating this food keep in mind that this is what we give the homeless to eat every day of the year.
 |  |  |
Step Two - Mix Dry Things with Liquids
The best thing about instant foods is that they really are instant! Are you good at boiling water and then throwing stuff in that boiling water? Then you'll be great at preparing this meal! You don't have to be a loser anymore! This is more or less a one pot meal that can be created using very simple steps.
To cook the stuffing:
Boil water. Throw in some butter. Stir in the stuffing. Fluff with a fork.
To cook the potatoes:
Boil water. Throw in some butter and milk. Stir in the potato flakes. Fluff with a fork.
To cook the gravy:
Boil water. Stir in the powdered gravy. Whisk with a whisk.
See how easy that was? You're gonna be able to call yourself Julia Fucking Childs by the time you're through with this meal!
The best thing about instant foods is that they really are instant! Are you good at boiling water and then throwing stuff in that boiling water? Then you'll be great at preparing this meal! You don't have to be a loser anymore! This is more or less a one pot meal that can be created using very simple steps.
To cook the stuffing:
Boil water. Throw in some butter. Stir in the stuffing. Fluff with a fork.
To cook the potatoes:
Boil water. Throw in some butter and milk. Stir in the potato flakes. Fluff with a fork.
To cook the gravy:
Boil water. Stir in the powdered gravy. Whisk with a whisk.
See how easy that was? You're gonna be able to call yourself Julia Fucking Childs by the time you're through with this meal!
 |  |  |
Step Three - Broil the Turkey
Tear the turkey into small pieces and broil it in your toaster oven. This will dry it out and add crispyness to the edges giving it the same taste and texture of Korean Barbeque. It's really tough to disguise lunch meat as if it were a turkey made by Grandma so just say, "It's a twist on Thanksgiving! It's Korean style Turkey." Your guests will say to themselves things like, "What?" and "What the fuck?" and "Korean? Whaaaat the fuuuuuuuck?", but much like white women blogging on the internet about understanding black problems, they'll celebrate you for who you are in all your special ways even if it does mean shaking up almost 400 years of tradition. Who cares though? People used to eat crap 400 years ago.
Tear the turkey into small pieces and broil it in your toaster oven. This will dry it out and add crispyness to the edges giving it the same taste and texture of Korean Barbeque. It's really tough to disguise lunch meat as if it were a turkey made by Grandma so just say, "It's a twist on Thanksgiving! It's Korean style Turkey." Your guests will say to themselves things like, "What?" and "What the fuck?" and "Korean? Whaaaat the fuuuuuuuck?", but much like white women blogging on the internet about understanding black problems, they'll celebrate you for who you are in all your special ways even if it does mean shaking up almost 400 years of tradition. Who cares though? People used to eat crap 400 years ago.
Step Four - Get a Korean Bowel
Stick with the Korean Thanksgiving lie. I went to a local Japanese store and picked up an awesome, "Small bowel" for $1. You're probably saying, "But Kyle, Japanese is different than Korean." Cool. Write about it on your blog. Before you do start plating your ten minute Thanksgiving feast.
Stick with the Korean Thanksgiving lie. I went to a local Japanese store and picked up an awesome, "Small bowel" for $1. You're probably saying, "But Kyle, Japanese is different than Korean." Cool. Write about it on your blog. Before you do start plating your ten minute Thanksgiving feast.
 |  |
Plop the recently fluffed stuffing and Korean turkey at one end of your small bowel. Try to get it tall. This will make a small meal appear to be larger than it is! ESPECIALLY DO THIS IF YOUR GUESTS ARE ALL MOUNTAIN LIONS! They have trouble perceiving actual size, will be intimidated, and will no longer question your Thanksgiving dinner.
 |  |  |
Step Five - Add Color
On the color spectrum Thanksgiving food generally doesn't move too far beyond beige. If you're not careful it'll look like your dinner was prepared by Restoration Hardware. Add a splash of color with the cranberry sauce. Look at those cranberries. They look exactly like the picture on the can! Slice the cranberry chunk into small pieces. Tell everyone it's fruit leather. "Oh my god! You make your own fruit leather?!" You'll have a leftover cranberry chunk. Don't be wasteful. Go out in the middle of the street and throw it up as high as you can and enjoy!
On the color spectrum Thanksgiving food generally doesn't move too far beyond beige. If you're not careful it'll look like your dinner was prepared by Restoration Hardware. Add a splash of color with the cranberry sauce. Look at those cranberries. They look exactly like the picture on the can! Slice the cranberry chunk into small pieces. Tell everyone it's fruit leather. "Oh my god! You make your own fruit leather?!" You'll have a leftover cranberry chunk. Don't be wasteful. Go out in the middle of the street and throw it up as high as you can and enjoy!
 |  |
Wake Up From Your Nap and Serve Some Hobo Apple Pie!
 |  |
Step One - Peel and Slice Two Apples
Yo, do exactly what I just said. Peel and slice two apples.
Yo, do exactly what I just said. Peel and slice two apples.
 |  |  |
Step Two - Mix Up the Sugar and Spice
Take a crap load of sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice; mix it up in a bowl. The amounts of these really aren't that important, but go heavy on the sugar and less so on the spices.
Take a crap load of sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice; mix it up in a bowl. The amounts of these really aren't that important, but go heavy on the sugar and less so on the spices.
 |  |
Step Three - Bake Your "Pie"
Layer the sugar mixture and the apples in the can that the cranberries came in. I like layering foods; all the flavors seep together and people tend to forget what they're eating. Cover the tin can with aluminum foil and put it in the oven at 350 degrees.
Cook it until it seems done. The apples should be moist and sugary. Drain the sugar juices onto a shallow cooking tray for additional heating. Cook the sugar juices until the viscosity is closer to syrup.
Layer the sugar mixture and the apples in the can that the cranberries came in. I like layering foods; all the flavors seep together and people tend to forget what they're eating. Cover the tin can with aluminum foil and put it in the oven at 350 degrees.
Cook it until it seems done. The apples should be moist and sugary. Drain the sugar juices onto a shallow cooking tray for additional heating. Cook the sugar juices until the viscosity is closer to syrup.
Step Four - Bring it on Home!
Plate your hobo pie on a cake stand can and all! Drizzle the sugar syrup on the apples and add some powdered sugar on top. This looks like either art or something a cat would eat in a Fancy Feast advertisement or some really pretentious dog food. That's perfect. Tell your guests that you made this to shed light on the problems with hunger in this country. Bringing up the less fortunate on a day that is all about eating will bum everyone out and make them finally consider donating food, which is a good thing! They'll appreciate this nasty "pie" that you prepared for them more than anything grandma ever whipped up. So is this a happy Thanksgiving? Nope. It's shitty food made pretentious.
Plate your hobo pie on a cake stand can and all! Drizzle the sugar syrup on the apples and add some powdered sugar on top. This looks like either art or something a cat would eat in a Fancy Feast advertisement or some really pretentious dog food. That's perfect. Tell your guests that you made this to shed light on the problems with hunger in this country. Bringing up the less fortunate on a day that is all about eating will bum everyone out and make them finally consider donating food, which is a good thing! They'll appreciate this nasty "pie" that you prepared for them more than anything grandma ever whipped up. So is this a happy Thanksgiving? Nope. It's shitty food made pretentious.
