Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking s'mores!
For almost a hundred years making s'mores has been a campfire tradition. Back in the 1920's a chubby little Boy Scout was sitting by a campfire roasting marshmallows when he thought to himself, "What if I made a marshmallow sandwich with chocolate inside and graham crackers as the bread?" That chubby little Boy Scout's name was John D. Fluffanutter; he popularized s'mores in the 1920's and later built an empire when he changed the PB & J game by selling marshmallow fluff, a primary ingredient in the sandwich that bares his name.
I'm not even going to act like s'mores don't taste amazing, but don't kid yourselves, the ingredients and the process with which they are assembled is shitty. First, they're bad for you. Why do you think John D. Fluffanutter was so chubby in the first place? It wasn't because of all his merit badges for swimming, it was because he looooooooooved marshmallows, which are essentially just sugar coated in corn starch. Chocolate is another ingredient that will chub you up. "Oh yeah, well I read that chocolate is a superfood! It's good for your heart!" That's true, but so is running. Give it a try sometime then eat some chocolate. Finally there's the graham cracker. I read the ingredients and I don't really know what a graham cracker is, but the box said the main ingredient was unbleached flour, better than bleached so that's a plus! S'mores are also shitty because it's nearly impossible to melt the chocolate and toast the marshmallow on the end of a stick over a campfire. This play on the classic s'more elevates campfire crapfood to restaurant quality using nothing more than gooey chocolatey nostalgia. And a little moss.
Step One - Take a Trip to the General Store
For this recipe you're only going to need the classic s'more ingredients - one graham cracker, half a chocolate bar, and two marshmallows. While you're there pick up a bag of feed, some oil, batteries, and maple syrup because you never know when you'll need that type of stuff and the general store has it all.
Step One - Take a Trip to the General Store
For this recipe you're only going to need the classic s'more ingredients - one graham cracker, half a chocolate bar, and two marshmallows. While you're there pick up a bag of feed, some oil, batteries, and maple syrup because you never know when you'll need that type of stuff and the general store has it all.
Step Two - Go to the Woods
Just as Thoreau went to Walden Pond to find himself, I also went to the woods to explore the benefits of a simple existence. I cooked this pretentious recipe in a rustic cabin at Priest Lake in the Idaho panhandle. I wanted to be inspired by nature, by the outdated kitchen and Formica counter tops, by the remnants of crappy stocking stuffers adorning the walls and fridge, and the pleasant smell of mothballs. I went to the woods to, "Suck the marrow out of life," to free myself of the technological chains of my iPad, laptop and cell phone, and to post this on the internet a week later.
Just as Thoreau went to Walden Pond to find himself, I also went to the woods to explore the benefits of a simple existence. I cooked this pretentious recipe in a rustic cabin at Priest Lake in the Idaho panhandle. I wanted to be inspired by nature, by the outdated kitchen and Formica counter tops, by the remnants of crappy stocking stuffers adorning the walls and fridge, and the pleasant smell of mothballs. I went to the woods to, "Suck the marrow out of life," to free myself of the technological chains of my iPad, laptop and cell phone, and to post this on the internet a week later.
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Invite your dinner guests to come to the woods too. While Thoreau was out in the woods by himself, you don't want to be a loser eating s'mores by yourself! A rustic environment with no internet or cell service is the perfect place for a pretentious meal. Finally your guests won't be staring at the glow of their phones for comfort with the constant fear of missing out on what everyone else is doing. Like a junkie on withdrawal, the first day will be confusing for them, but after that they'll have new peace of mind and will be so happy they'll eat practically anything!
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Step Three - Punch a Graham Cracker!
Put a single graham cracker on a paper towel. Fold the paper towel over and smash it with your fist. Take all of your pent up aggression and release it on those graham crackers. Boss been riding you at work? Punch a graham cracker! Got a speeding ticket? Punch a graham cracker! Wife stopped having sex with you? Go to a therapist. Then punch a graham cracker! Scoop all of those aggression crumbs into a ramekin. You might be saying to yourself, "Kyle we've seen the ramekins in your taquito and Big Mac recipes. Do something new!" You can leave that in the comment section and then I'll punch a graham cracker. These ramekins are different though. I found them for $1 a piece at what could only be described as a Korean junk store. They are half the size of the other ramekins I've used and are, therefore, twice as pretentious.
Remember, the smaller your portion size, the more pretentious it will be! I'd eventually like to convince people to eat nothing and have them describe how great it tastes, à la Thudd Butt in Hook. You want your guests saying to themselves, "Gandhi ate more than this!"
Put a single graham cracker on a paper towel. Fold the paper towel over and smash it with your fist. Take all of your pent up aggression and release it on those graham crackers. Boss been riding you at work? Punch a graham cracker! Got a speeding ticket? Punch a graham cracker! Wife stopped having sex with you? Go to a therapist. Then punch a graham cracker! Scoop all of those aggression crumbs into a ramekin. You might be saying to yourself, "Kyle we've seen the ramekins in your taquito and Big Mac recipes. Do something new!" You can leave that in the comment section and then I'll punch a graham cracker. These ramekins are different though. I found them for $1 a piece at what could only be described as a Korean junk store. They are half the size of the other ramekins I've used and are, therefore, twice as pretentious.
Remember, the smaller your portion size, the more pretentious it will be! I'd eventually like to convince people to eat nothing and have them describe how great it tastes, à la Thudd Butt in Hook. You want your guests saying to themselves, "Gandhi ate more than this!"
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Step Four - "Handcraft" Your Marshmallow
Ride that artisanally handcrafted trend while it lasts! Take a standard marshmallow and cut off the protective corn syrup coating on the the outside and explain to your guests that these are handcrafted marshmallows made from scratch. It should look kind of like a dog chewed on a marshmallow. Do you think they'll really be able to tell the difference between hand whipped gelatin and sugar and machine whipped gelatin and sugar once it's coated in chocolate?
Ride that artisanally handcrafted trend while it lasts! Take a standard marshmallow and cut off the protective corn syrup coating on the the outside and explain to your guests that these are handcrafted marshmallows made from scratch. It should look kind of like a dog chewed on a marshmallow. Do you think they'll really be able to tell the difference between hand whipped gelatin and sugar and machine whipped gelatin and sugar once it's coated in chocolate?
Place the marshmallows in the ramekins and arrange the ramekins on top of a piece of bark or a log. Your guests will love the irony of eating s'mores off of the fuel that is normally used for cooking said s'mores. While they're complimenting you on your plating skills, casually mention how wood is a primary heat source in some areas of the world. They'll appreciate life even more and will forget that they're just eating crap from the general store! If you did step two you'll be able to find all the bark and wood you need right outside your front door. Go America!
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Step Five - Melt the Chocolate
If you're in a cabin, there's undoubtedly a microwave from the 80's or 90's that was once a prominent fixture in a real kitchen, however I only had access to a "Half Pint," a microwave that likely rested atop a dorm room mini-fridge. Ah if only this microwave could talk, the stories it would tell! "In my prime I once heated up a dozen urine filled water balloons," it would say. Put your chocolate and some water in a miniature cream pitcher and microwave it until it's melted. Stir it up and put it in the center of your bark plate. Gently place your bark plate on top of two tufts of moss to really emphasize the whole, "Getting back to nature" theme.
If you're in a cabin, there's undoubtedly a microwave from the 80's or 90's that was once a prominent fixture in a real kitchen, however I only had access to a "Half Pint," a microwave that likely rested atop a dorm room mini-fridge. Ah if only this microwave could talk, the stories it would tell! "In my prime I once heated up a dozen urine filled water balloons," it would say. Put your chocolate and some water in a miniature cream pitcher and microwave it until it's melted. Stir it up and put it in the center of your bark plate. Gently place your bark plate on top of two tufts of moss to really emphasize the whole, "Getting back to nature" theme.
Step Six - Presentation
Much like a magician using distractions to trick an audience, use your presentation skills to distract your guests of the actual product. As you pour the chocolate around the marshmallow they'll be saying, "Ooooh that looks so good," that's when you hit them with the fire. Literally burn the crap out of the marshmallows. If you can light it on fire then you've really gone above and beyond. Good for you! Make them blow it out. Before you know it your dinner guests will be saying, "I remember when I was a kid I would always burn my marshmallow! Can you believe that? It was worth it because it made the center taste so good and gooey, but I've never had a s'more like this before! The melted chocolate with the smokiness of the marshmallow and the crunch of the graham cracker are the perfect combination. Is this a great treat or what?" Nope, it's just shitty food made pretentious.
Much like a magician using distractions to trick an audience, use your presentation skills to distract your guests of the actual product. As you pour the chocolate around the marshmallow they'll be saying, "Ooooh that looks so good," that's when you hit them with the fire. Literally burn the crap out of the marshmallows. If you can light it on fire then you've really gone above and beyond. Good for you! Make them blow it out. Before you know it your dinner guests will be saying, "I remember when I was a kid I would always burn my marshmallow! Can you believe that? It was worth it because it made the center taste so good and gooey, but I've never had a s'more like this before! The melted chocolate with the smokiness of the marshmallow and the crunch of the graham cracker are the perfect combination. Is this a great treat or what?" Nope, it's just shitty food made pretentious.
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