Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re eating Ramen!
First start with any flavor of Ramen. It all pretty much takes like salty broth, so this part really doesn’t matter, but please take note of the picture on the Ramen. They already went ahead and tried to make their ten cent soup look more pretentious! Nice try guys, but you can do better. Keep reading!
First start with any flavor of Ramen. It all pretty much takes like salty broth, so this part really doesn’t matter, but please take note of the picture on the Ramen. They already went ahead and tried to make their ten cent soup look more pretentious! Nice try guys, but you can do better. Keep reading!
Cook that shitty food up! Feel free to overcook it. It’s going to look so pretentious by the end of this you’re guests are going to be asking you if you’re Asian! A boy can dream right?
These noodles are good and overcooked, but you’ll want to eat them soon enough. Put the bowl on something that is made of wood or stone. I only had a nice wooden cake tray, but if you can get some sort of slab of an oak tree with the bark still on it you’ll really win over your guests! I always say, when trying to be snobby, the more blue collary the better. People lap up the juxtaposition of it all.
Now you can address how your guests are going to eat this shit. This is where you utilize the remnants of Chinese delivery. I found some chopsticks and a fortune cookie. Don’t just set the chopsticks down! Prop them on the shitty fortune cookie. Soup and a cookie? This is almost a real meal! The beauty of the chopsticks is that at no point will any of your guests ask you, “Dude how the fuck am I supposed to eat soup with chopsticks?”. They’ll likely instead mention how they’re embarrassed when they go to an Asian restaurant with co-workers and Pete from HR always asks for a fork.
Next we need to add a little color to take everyone’s mind off of what they’re actually eating. Lets add Sriracha in an interesting pattern. Isn’t that just hot sauce with Asian lettering? OF COURSE IT IS! THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO PRETENTIOUS!!!! People will be saying things like, “Oh my god is this Sriracha?” and “I loooooooooove Sriracha. I put it on everything!” Of course you put it on everything because it makes the shitty food you’re eating taste like hot sauce. Pho places have been doing this for years.
Now let’s get a couple more colors in there to really, Bring it on Home! Add in any type of leaf that you want. I used spinach because I was eating this, but seriously go outside and take some grass clippings maybe a few Maple leaves just make sure you arrange it like an asshole would. Your guests won’t know whether to eat it or if it’s just for show, but won’t want to ask when presented with a meal that looks this obnoxious. Instead they’ll be saying, “I love how you arranged the leaves like a lotus flower to really bring out the Asian influences. How whimsical.” Oh thank you, now please figure out a way to slit your wrists with those chopsticks I gave you. Throw some apples in there for no reason at all and your guests will just about crap their pants on the spot! They’ll leave thinking they had an amazing meal and isn’t that what a dinner party is all about anyway? Tricking people into thinking you’re a better person than you really are?
Enjoyed this article? Share it on Facebook or Twitter. Follow Kyle on Twitter @suckcessstory. Join his mailing list by e-mailing “Mailing list” to kmancomedy@gmail.com