Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
Background
Before becoming a full time comedian and having the luxury of eating peanut butter and jelly at my leisure, I worked in an office for seven years. I always felt embarrassed when I ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch. On a few occasions, my much older co-worker Al remarked, "Peanut butter and jelly huh?" in a tone that made me feel like he caught me doing heroin during my lunch break.
Before becoming a full time comedian and having the luxury of eating peanut butter and jelly at my leisure, I worked in an office for seven years. I always felt embarrassed when I ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch. On a few occasions, my much older co-worker Al remarked, "Peanut butter and jelly huh?" in a tone that made me feel like he caught me doing heroin during my lunch break.
| MY LUNCH BREAK IS MY TIME. DURING MY LUNCH BREAK WHO I AM IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I always hid my true emotions. Sometimes choking back the words coming out of my mouth, making him feel comfortable by saying, "Yeah I'm trying to save some money (for heroin)." But I wasn't trying to save money. I could easily afford to be a ham and cheese guy. I could have balled out with Boar's Head, but that's not who I am on the inside. I wanted to shout to Al, "Peanut butter and jelly is for adults too! Adults like me Al!" It would fall on deaf ears. This stigma about PB & J needs to change! | I always hid my true emotions...making him feel comfortable by saying, "Yeah I'm trying to save some money (for heroin)." But I wasn't trying to save money. I could easily afford to be a ham and cheese guy. |
As a lover of peanut butter and jelly it sickens me to write this article. Personally this is my most disturbing SFMP post thus far and I've written some pretty disturbing things. I've urged people to snort Prilosec, instructed people to hide "Her pleasure" condoms within sponge cake and even discussed Kim Kardashian's butt diet, BUT THIS ONE HURTS. I am distraught that peanut butter and jelly has become a plebeian meal, relegated to the mouths of children and broke college students. It was once considered a delicacy in this country and it breaks my heart to see pre-made PB & J hiding in the freezer section under the pseudonym "Uncrustables", slumming it with the $1 pizzas and Hungry Man Salisbury steaks.
| It fills me with pride to say that peanut butter and jelly is not a lesser food, so if you wanted an article about how shitty peanut butter and jelly is then you came to the wrong place. This is not about making a shitty food pretentious, but about providing PB & J with the respect and recognition it deserves. It's about returning PB & J to it's former glory. This is about allowing PB & J loving adults to proudly step out of the shadows and say, "I am an adult who eats peanut butter and jelly. It is who I am! It is part of my lifestyle." | This is about allowing PB & J loving adults to proudly step out of the shadows and say, "I am an adult who eats peanut butter and jelly. It is who I am! It is part of my lifestyle." |
There are others out there; others like the person I used to be. Those who live in shame, who live in fear. I hope this article gives them courage, as heroes of mine have given me courage to come forward. Thankfully, more celebrities are coming out. Recently, music producer Pharrell Williams noted that he and his wife celebrate successful projects by treating themselves at a hotel, “As soon as we get to the hotel room and the door is closed, we freak out for 20 minutes straight, order up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and jump on the bed” Long before Pharrell came out, Paul Pierce made headlines becoming the first athlete in a major sport to profess his love of PB & J. It was a bold move and I celebrated his courageous leadership. I felt for him as he was belittled publicly by media outlets like Delish.com:
"Celtics Basketball star Paul Pierce may be a tough guy on the court, with his Championship ring and over 20,000 baskets as a Celtics player alone, but his pregame food habits are certainly kid-like. What must he do exactly 55 minutes before every game? Paul Pierce eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No word on whether he likes the crusts cut off."
WHY IS THAT KID-LIKE DELISH? BECAUSE IT'S NUTRITIOUS AND DELICIOUS?! You all better watch out before my other heroes Cadillac Don and J-Money come for you. PB & J IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WIT'. So step aside almond butter, fuckin' wit' peanut butter get your top blowed off.
"Celtics Basketball star Paul Pierce may be a tough guy on the court, with his Championship ring and over 20,000 baskets as a Celtics player alone, but his pregame food habits are certainly kid-like. What must he do exactly 55 minutes before every game? Paul Pierce eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No word on whether he likes the crusts cut off."
WHY IS THAT KID-LIKE DELISH? BECAUSE IT'S NUTRITIOUS AND DELICIOUS?! You all better watch out before my other heroes Cadillac Don and J-Money come for you. PB & J IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WIT'. So step aside almond butter, fuckin' wit' peanut butter get your top blowed off.
Step 1 - Liquify Your Peanut Butter and Jelly
Peanut butter is bangin' so it really doesn't matter what kind you choose for this recipe, as long as it's creamy and not an all-natural peanut butter that you have to mix every time you open the jar. I went with Skippy cause I'm trying to party and Skippy fuels the mothafuckin' fun. Jiff is another good choice. I like how they used a slogan, "Choosy mom's choose Jiff," that tugs at the minds of every insecure mom. Jiff is saying, "You're not a shitty mom are you? You love your kid don't you? Maybe you shouldn't pick a shitty peanut butter then. Choose Jiff." There's a fine line between over-parenting and having a dead kid.
Peanut butter is bangin' so it really doesn't matter what kind you choose for this recipe, as long as it's creamy and not an all-natural peanut butter that you have to mix every time you open the jar. I went with Skippy cause I'm trying to party and Skippy fuels the mothafuckin' fun. Jiff is another good choice. I like how they used a slogan, "Choosy mom's choose Jiff," that tugs at the minds of every insecure mom. Jiff is saying, "You're not a shitty mom are you? You love your kid don't you? Maybe you shouldn't pick a shitty peanut butter then. Choose Jiff." There's a fine line between over-parenting and having a dead kid.
| Jiff is exploiting the overly cautious parents to the greatest extent possible. It's a very interesting approach, but we need to get this away from children. As far as your guests are concerned, you went with an organic, all-natural peanut butter. "Yup, it's just peanuts and sea salt. Can you believe it? I just don't care for all those hydrogenated oils." You know who doesn't fuck with sea salt? KIDS. The best part is that even the "shittiest" peanut butter tastes pretty good. On a scale of one to ten peanut butter bottoms out at a solid seven. | ...that tugs at the heart stings of every insecure mom, "You're not a shitty mom are you? You love your kid don't you? Maybe you shouldn't pick a shitty peanut butter then. Choose Jiff." |
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For the jelly, go with something in the berry, growing on a shrub, family - blueberry, raspberry, blackberry etc. Something that you can lie to your guests about with conviction. "We picked these raspberries when we were in out the country last year." You know who hates taking the time to pick berries? KIDS! They don't have the attention span,they have tiny hands and they're too short to get to tops of the shrubs where all the fruit is located. Avoid low growing plants like strawberries. Any lazy kid can just sit on their ass and pick strawberries. And unless you know a ton about the difference between highbush blueberry and lowbush blueberry, avoid blueberries too. Once you have your peanut butter and jelly, add a few spoonfuls to sauce pans with equal amounts of water. Heat up the pans until both ingredients becomes viscous and the water starts to boil off.
| Step Two - Toast While you're heating up your PB & J make some toast. This is a separation from the classic PB & J found in a child's brown bag lunch. Adults eat their sandwiches toasted and the older people get, the more they love toast. Cut the toast into three even pieces. Borrow a giant, white, pretentious, bowl from your married friends. Trust me they've got one. There is nothing about this bowl that says, "Childish". It's the type of bowl parents eat out of after they've dropped off their kids at a babysitter and remember what hopes and dreams were like. Neatly place the toast at the bottom of the bowl. | It's the type of bowl parents eat out of after they've dropped off their kids at a babysitter and remember what hopes and dreams were like. |
Step 3 - Fo Drizzle
Take the viscous peanut butter and the jelly and neatly drizzle the two over the toast. Don't overdo it. You don't want to fill the bowl up so much that it's easy to eat. A kid wouldn't know what to do with this, but your adult dinner guests will be saying, "Ohhhhhh I get it! This is a play on peanut butter and jelly."
Take the viscous peanut butter and the jelly and neatly drizzle the two over the toast. Don't overdo it. You don't want to fill the bowl up so much that it's easy to eat. A kid wouldn't know what to do with this, but your adult dinner guests will be saying, "Ohhhhhh I get it! This is a play on peanut butter and jelly."
| Step 4 - Personalize Your PB & J As you may have guessed, in terms of sandwich hierarchy I think peanut butter and jelly is at the top. It tastes great cold, hot and anywhere in between. It transports well, it's easy to make, it's economical, it's nutritious, but most importantly PB & J knows how to party. Everyone wants to be with it. Marshmallow fluff, raisins, bananas, apples, granola, chocolate, bacon. "Bacon? Bacon?! C'mon! What're you doing in here?!" This portion of the recipe is about who you are. To quote an archetypal sassy black woman, "You do you!" | ...but most importantly PB & J knows how to party. Everyone wants to be with it. Marshmallow fluff, raisins, bananas, apples, granola, chocolate, bacon. |
I need to grab the attention of the detractors and the haters with this pretentious PB & J, so I put a dollop of Cool Whip on top. I stepped it up for this and used brand name "whipped topping". LISTEN UP ADULTS, SHIT JUST GOT REAL. FINALLY, SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON TOP TO REALLY BRING IT ON HOME!
We'll do this together. It Get's Better
I hope this article inspires those who have a closeted PB & J lifestyle. Those who check themselves in the mirror multiple times before leaving the house out of fear that you have peanut butter or jelly on your lips and people will find out your secret. Do not live in fear. You don't have to hide during your lunch breaks anymore. No longer will you have to enjoy your peanut butter and jelly in the small confines of your car tucked in the back of the office parking lot. You don't have to feel embarrassed. We still have a long way to go, but you're not alone. The Al's of the world who don't understand our lifestyle are learning. They are starting to accept and embrace who we are. We're adults and we love peanut butter and jelly. Be proud.
I hope this article inspires those who have a closeted PB & J lifestyle. Those who check themselves in the mirror multiple times before leaving the house out of fear that you have peanut butter or jelly on your lips and people will find out your secret. Do not live in fear. You don't have to hide during your lunch breaks anymore. No longer will you have to enjoy your peanut butter and jelly in the small confines of your car tucked in the back of the office parking lot. You don't have to feel embarrassed. We still have a long way to go, but you're not alone. The Al's of the world who don't understand our lifestyle are learning. They are starting to accept and embrace who we are. We're adults and we love peanut butter and jelly. Be proud.
