Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking a rustic Italian feast! This main course of pasta con spazzatura is the heart of this three course meal.
This dollar store feast began with a beautiful sardine appetizer; an exciting antipasto for even the most adventurous foody. Before you tell them about the main course, "Pasta con spazzatura" make sure to wrap your dining room in plastic because they're going to lose their shit. Seriously. Especially if they're American. "I've never even heard of pasta con spazzatura! What is it? C'mon tell us! Tellll usssss! What is it?! With spazzatura?! What is that?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! AAAAHHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!!!" Splat.
"It's cuisine from the hills of Tuscany", you'll explain. People like Tuscany without actually knowing why. The movie Under the Tuscan Sun made sixty million at the box office and nobody understand how, but they do know Tuscany sounds like a nice place. "It's a classic Italiano recipe that the grape pickers would eat after a long day in the vineyards. A handmade pasta, mixed with rustic meats and vegetables, topped with a frothy roni cream sauce," you'll tell them. In their minds they're already imagining this trash in their mouth, "Mmmmm! Wooooow. That sounds amazing!" If your guests are indeed American it will be especially easy to sell them on the spazzatura. Even if they studied abroad in Italy (like I did) they only learned the word, "Questo" which simply translates to, "That one." "Questo" combined with a pointed index finger is enough to get by in Italy for at least four months. I imagine one could live an entire life in Italy without learning an additional word though. While it sounds like a relatively appetizing word, "Spazzatura" actually translates to "garbage". Pasta with garbage. That's what your guests will be eating tonight. That's actually a bit of a lie. This is pasta from a dollar store after all. It could just be called "Spazzatura con spazzatura" but let's not be ridiculous. You would only call it that if your fake recipe originated in Naples...the dirtiest place in Italy. Seriously Naples, get your shit together.
"It's cuisine from the hills of Tuscany", you'll explain. People like Tuscany without actually knowing why. The movie Under the Tuscan Sun made sixty million at the box office and nobody understand how, but they do know Tuscany sounds like a nice place. "It's a classic Italiano recipe that the grape pickers would eat after a long day in the vineyards. A handmade pasta, mixed with rustic meats and vegetables, topped with a frothy roni cream sauce," you'll tell them. In their minds they're already imagining this trash in their mouth, "Mmmmm! Wooooow. That sounds amazing!" If your guests are indeed American it will be especially easy to sell them on the spazzatura. Even if they studied abroad in Italy (like I did) they only learned the word, "Questo" which simply translates to, "That one." "Questo" combined with a pointed index finger is enough to get by in Italy for at least four months. I imagine one could live an entire life in Italy without learning an additional word though. While it sounds like a relatively appetizing word, "Spazzatura" actually translates to "garbage". Pasta with garbage. That's what your guests will be eating tonight. That's actually a bit of a lie. This is pasta from a dollar store after all. It could just be called "Spazzatura con spazzatura" but let's not be ridiculous. You would only call it that if your fake recipe originated in Naples...the dirtiest place in Italy. Seriously Naples, get your shit together.
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Step One - Boil Your Lasagna
IMPORTANT: RUSTIC PASTA IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THE APPEARANCE OF THE NOODLES AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TASTE!
In order to get that authentic, old Italian woman in the countryside, wide, artisanally handmade noodle vibe, purchase lasagna noodles and do the exact opposite of the instructions on the package. "No boiling required." What do you know lasagna? You're being sold in a dollar store. If you were doing things right you'd be in a Bertolli box right now. Boil it like you would any other shitty pasta. Once it's as flaccid as Mario Batali's peen, lay it on a cutting board and trim the edges. It doesn't get more handmade than that!
IMPORTANT: RUSTIC PASTA IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THE APPEARANCE OF THE NOODLES AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TASTE!
In order to get that authentic, old Italian woman in the countryside, wide, artisanally handmade noodle vibe, purchase lasagna noodles and do the exact opposite of the instructions on the package. "No boiling required." What do you know lasagna? You're being sold in a dollar store. If you were doing things right you'd be in a Bertolli box right now. Boil it like you would any other shitty pasta. Once it's as flaccid as Mario Batali's peen, lay it on a cutting board and trim the edges. It doesn't get more handmade than that!
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Step Two - 38% MORE BEEF JERKY!
Anytime a product has "value" in the name you know it's a bag full of spazzatura. "Whoa! 38% more! 38% more than what? That sounds like a lot of extra All American Value beef jerky! What a deal! Let's see what the asterisk means...What? 38% more than your regular .9oz bag?! What the fuck All American Value? Did you just try to trick me with math? Just because I shop at the dollar store for food doesn't mean I didn't graduate from high school and I'm some dumb redneck. Chances are it does, but I got a calculator on my flip phone so I'm on to you!"
Tuscan cuisine is known for using weird parts of the pig. Beef jerky is simply the American version of that. Cut it up in weird shapes and put it off to the side for later.
Anytime a product has "value" in the name you know it's a bag full of spazzatura. "Whoa! 38% more! 38% more than what? That sounds like a lot of extra All American Value beef jerky! What a deal! Let's see what the asterisk means...What? 38% more than your regular .9oz bag?! What the fuck All American Value? Did you just try to trick me with math? Just because I shop at the dollar store for food doesn't mean I didn't graduate from high school and I'm some dumb redneck. Chances are it does, but I got a calculator on my flip phone so I'm on to you!"
Tuscan cuisine is known for using weird parts of the pig. Beef jerky is simply the American version of that. Cut it up in weird shapes and put it off to the side for later.
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Step Three - Grill/Blacken the Veggies
Take an assortment of canned vegetables and blacken (burn) them until they've got the marks to prove it. I used olives, peas, artichoke hearts, and peppers. That's only $4 worth of food! As stated in previous recipes peas are, "Easily one of the most overrated vegetables, peas always have to be cooked with an emphasis on distraction." If you have a grill pan use that and distract with grill lines! It'll seem like the vegetables were picked right from your garden and thrown on your grill. Brag to your guests about living a farm to table lifestyle. They'll immediately assume you're better than them. "What the fuck does that even mean? Farm to table? You live in a cul-de-sac and work in a cubicle. You're not a farmer dude!" Is what they should say to you, but instead they'll think you're living in the culinary future and want your lifestyle!
Take an assortment of canned vegetables and blacken (burn) them until they've got the marks to prove it. I used olives, peas, artichoke hearts, and peppers. That's only $4 worth of food! As stated in previous recipes peas are, "Easily one of the most overrated vegetables, peas always have to be cooked with an emphasis on distraction." If you have a grill pan use that and distract with grill lines! It'll seem like the vegetables were picked right from your garden and thrown on your grill. Brag to your guests about living a farm to table lifestyle. They'll immediately assume you're better than them. "What the fuck does that even mean? Farm to table? You live in a cul-de-sac and work in a cubicle. You're not a farmer dude!" Is what they should say to you, but instead they'll think you're living in the culinary future and want your lifestyle!
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Step Four - Prepare the Roni Cream Sauce
They say Rice -A-Roni is the San Francisco treat, well lucky for you Pasta-Roni captures all the flavors of of Italy in a single $1 box. I don't know how they do it! Remove the sauce packet and prepare it EXACTLY as it says on the package. The people at Rice-A-Roni took years perfecting it so don't fuck it up now. When you tell people about this "secret family recipe" be sure to roll your 'R' when you say "Roni" otherwise they may just hear "ROni" and think, "Wait. The San Francisco treat?" at which point dinner will be OVER. If you're not able to roll your R's, have a few drinks. Americans are awesome at accents once they're drunk!
They say Rice -A-Roni is the San Francisco treat, well lucky for you Pasta-Roni captures all the flavors of of Italy in a single $1 box. I don't know how they do it! Remove the sauce packet and prepare it EXACTLY as it says on the package. The people at Rice-A-Roni took years perfecting it so don't fuck it up now. When you tell people about this "secret family recipe" be sure to roll your 'R' when you say "Roni" otherwise they may just hear "ROni" and think, "Wait. The San Francisco treat?" at which point dinner will be OVER. If you're not able to roll your R's, have a few drinks. Americans are awesome at accents once they're drunk!
Step Five - Plate the Spazzatura
That's right. It's time to turn all this trash into a wonderfully composed pile of garbage! A landfill in a bowl. Begin with the noodles. DON'T BE LAZY WITH THEM. You're better than that! You took all this time to fool your dinner guests don't be a slob now. Gracefully lay the noodle on top of each other like pasta ribbons and top it off with a small amount of the rrrrr-oni cream sauce.
That's right. It's time to turn all this trash into a wonderfully composed pile of garbage! A landfill in a bowl. Begin with the noodles. DON'T BE LAZY WITH THEM. You're better than that! You took all this time to fool your dinner guests don't be a slob now. Gracefully lay the noodle on top of each other like pasta ribbons and top it off with a small amount of the rrrrr-oni cream sauce.
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Next, gently lay on the rustic meat*, grilled tomatoes, olives, peas, and artichoke hearts.
*Rustic meat is the beef jerky. Not to be confused with a backwoods prostitute.
*Rustic meat is the beef jerky. Not to be confused with a backwoods prostitute.
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Finally top it all off with some crushed pecans, more rrrr-oni sauce and none other than Parmesan topping. Nothing says "I'm quite poor" like Parmesan topping. You're guests will have no idea though. Just like you did with the sardines, serve it to them in ONE LARGE DISH.
One dish instantly takes their mind off of what's in their mouth and puts them into survival mode! There is plenty of food for everyone, but when it's up for grabs animal instinct takes over! Anytime you can exploit that at a dinner party, do so! "Ohhhh I want to get an artichoke heart. I haven't tried the roasted peppers yet. What is this amazing meat? I'm stuffing this all in my fat face until it's finished. I'm upper middle class in the United States. I don't know when my next meal will come. I'm going to murder these people if I have to. What's in my mouth? Is this the spazzatura?" Nope. It's shitty food made pretentious.
