Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on a Hungry-Man dinner of Salisbury steak!
History and Background
My grandfather was born in the 1920’s and in traditional fashion he married an amazing woman who dutifully tended the home and cooked for him and the kids while he spent his days at work. When I was growing up I remember there were times when she went away to visit friends or family and he had to fend for himself which usually meant heating up a Hungry-Man Dinner dinner in the microwave.
My grandfather was born in the 1920’s and in traditional fashion he married an amazing woman who dutifully tended the home and cooked for him and the kids while he spent his days at work. When I was growing up I remember there were times when she went away to visit friends or family and he had to fend for himself which usually meant heating up a Hungry-Man Dinner dinner in the microwave.
| Prior to writing this I had never eaten a Hungry-Man, but when I was young I remember thinking there couldn't possibly be a more perfect meal. It had it all. To me it was like Lunchables for adults and I wanted in. My parents never allowed it. Turns out I had really good parents. "Dessert too?! Mom I want to eat a Hungry-Man for every meal! What do you mean? How could it possibly taste like shit?!" Salisbury steak is the answer. That’s how they nailed the shit factor with this one. They even made it look like actual shit. But with grill lines. This is going to be a tough one. Hungry-Man offers a number of dinners and Salisbury steak has got to be the worst. Wikipedia describes this “steak” as, “A dish made from a blend of minced beef and other ingredients, which is shaped to resemble a steak, and is usually served with gravy or brown sauce” Well what are “other ingredients”?! What is “brown sauce”?! | "You have to realize that we were sad as an entire country. Wrap your head around that for a minute. The ENTIRE country was depressed. For six months I ate dirt for two meals a day. The third meal was spent scavenging for wood to cook the next day's dirt." |
It doesn't matter; the important part is that a Salisbury steak is the worst kind of steak. I hadn't realized what my grandfather went though. It's utterly amazing what a person will eat once they've lived through a Great Depression. "Salisbury steak? Yeah bring it here. I'll eat it. It's better than when I was a kid. You have to realize that we were sad as an entire country. Wrap your head around that for a minute. The ENTIRE country was depressed. For six months I ate dirt for two meals a day. The third meal was spent scavenging for wood to cook the next day's dirt."
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Step 1 – Stick It in the Microwave
I normally recommend using the toaster oven to cook the shitty foods rather than the microwave - Guys and gals, just because we’re preparing and eating shitty food, doesn't mean we have to make ourselves feel bad about it at the same time! There's something sad about watching this crap rotate around as the microwave counts down to the completion of this pathetic accomplishment. For that reason I always try to avoid the microwave, but in this case the microwave is the only way to go. Follow the instructions. The brownie will be done first. Remove it and finish cooking the rest. How did they get this timing correct?
I normally recommend using the toaster oven to cook the shitty foods rather than the microwave - Guys and gals, just because we’re preparing and eating shitty food, doesn't mean we have to make ourselves feel bad about it at the same time! There's something sad about watching this crap rotate around as the microwave counts down to the completion of this pathetic accomplishment. For that reason I always try to avoid the microwave, but in this case the microwave is the only way to go. Follow the instructions. The brownie will be done first. Remove it and finish cooking the rest. How did they get this timing correct?
| Just to be clear, I'm not saying all fat guys are sad, but the guy whose job it is to test the Hungry-Man dinners all day is most definitely sad. | Someone had to try all those meals right? I imagine there was one sad, fat guy eating hundreds of Hungry-Man dinners until a bunch of food science nerds landed on the correct combination of time, punching holes in the plastic, combined with brownie removal. Just to be clear, I'm not saying all fat guys are sad, but the guy whose job it is to eat Hungry-Man dinners all day is most definitely a sad. "I had to eat 300 of these meals, but we figured it out! That's my contribution to humanity." |
Step 2 – Plating
For this meal we’re going to create an amuse-bouche - two of them in fact. One for dinner and one for dessert. If you don’t know what "amuse-bouche" means then look it up. This is “Shitty Food Made Pretentious”, not “Explain Culinary Concepts to a Bunch of People Without Access to Google”! But just to sum it up for you, it’s one bite hors d’oeuvres. The irony of a Hungry Man as a one bite meal is the most crucial component to making this meal pretentious. There's no way your guests will be full after this which is what we want. We need them starving by the time they get to dessert for this plan to be properly executed.
For this meal we’re going to create an amuse-bouche - two of them in fact. One for dinner and one for dessert. If you don’t know what "amuse-bouche" means then look it up. This is “Shitty Food Made Pretentious”, not “Explain Culinary Concepts to a Bunch of People Without Access to Google”! But just to sum it up for you, it’s one bite hors d’oeuvres. The irony of a Hungry Man as a one bite meal is the most crucial component to making this meal pretentious. There's no way your guests will be full after this which is what we want. We need them starving by the time they get to dessert for this plan to be properly executed.
| Start with a “plate” which is actually just be a marble tile. You can get this at a hardware store for super cheap and pretty much any tile should do the trick, but if you want to really impress the hell out of your guests tell them it’s Italian marble rather than Home Depot marble and go with something high gloss. This may come as a surprise, but most people haven't eaten off of marble. | It's quite amazing what the Chinese can produce thanks to a little terror instilled into the lives of their citizens. |
This "thrill" will take their mind off of the "other ingredients" in the steak. WHAT ARE OTHER INGREDIENTS?! We'll also use large, one-bite spoons. Ironically these pretentious little gems cost less than a dollar each at Crate and Barrel, but people will assume much, much more! It's quite amazing what the Chinese can produce thanks to a little terror instilled into the lives of their citizens.
Step 3 - Apply the "Brown Sauce"
Start by smearing the brown sauce diagonally across the marble with the green beans arranged like the branch of a tree. The mere sight of this will immediately confuse your guests as they won’t know whether to look at it or try to eat it. "Do we all eat this? Do I use my fingers? Ooooo is that a play on brown sauce?" WHAT IS BROWN SAUCE?! When everyone is confused they'll have their mind off of the fact that they’re eating shit. You’ve got them right where you want them!
Step 3 - Apply the "Brown Sauce"
Start by smearing the brown sauce diagonally across the marble with the green beans arranged like the branch of a tree. The mere sight of this will immediately confuse your guests as they won’t know whether to look at it or try to eat it. "Do we all eat this? Do I use my fingers? Ooooo is that a play on brown sauce?" WHAT IS BROWN SAUCE?! When everyone is confused they'll have their mind off of the fact that they’re eating shit. You’ve got them right where you want them!
Step 4 – Layering of Crap
Finally, layer the food from the Hungry Man onto the one bite spoon. I went with the mashed potatoes on the bottom, followed by the Salisbury steak with a topping of brown sauce. If you've ever watched a really fat guy eat a meal, they tend to combine everything on their plate. This is essentially what we’re doing here. Instead of an amuse-bouche we should just Americanize it and call it “A bite for a fat man”. The great part about this first bite is that it’s pure torture for your saddest guests who have eaten plenty of Hungry Man meals and know there should be a brownie somewhere. l as they’ll be saying to themselves, “Green beans? Check. Salisbury steak? Check. Brown sauce? Check. Brownie? Brownie? Oh shit. Where’s the brownie?! There should’ve been a brownie?! DUDE, DID YOU JUST THROW AWAY THE BROWNIE?!"
Finally, layer the food from the Hungry Man onto the one bite spoon. I went with the mashed potatoes on the bottom, followed by the Salisbury steak with a topping of brown sauce. If you've ever watched a really fat guy eat a meal, they tend to combine everything on their plate. This is essentially what we’re doing here. Instead of an amuse-bouche we should just Americanize it and call it “A bite for a fat man”. The great part about this first bite is that it’s pure torture for your saddest guests who have eaten plenty of Hungry Man meals and know there should be a brownie somewhere. l as they’ll be saying to themselves, “Green beans? Check. Salisbury steak? Check. Brown sauce? Check. Brownie? Brownie? Oh shit. Where’s the brownie?! There should’ve been a brownie?! DUDE, DID YOU JUST THROW AWAY THE BROWNIE?!"
Step 5 – Time for the Brownie!
Don't worry. We didn't throw out the brownie. If the fatties at your dinner party didn’t lick the marble clean, wash it off and start plating dessert. Cut the brownie into four pieces. If you want, purposely make sure they’re not equal and you can play a little psychological game with your guests called, Who’s the greediest person I know? Place the brownies on the one bite spoons. This would already be pretentious as is and guests won’t even be focused on taste since they're hungry, but we can do better. Add some whip cream on top! And by whip cream I mean shaving cream. And by shaving cream I mean shitty shaving cream! And by shitty shaving cream I mean Barbasol. I should say I use Barbosol and have beautiful skin, but there is no doubt that it’s shitty when applied to food.
Don't worry. We didn't throw out the brownie. If the fatties at your dinner party didn’t lick the marble clean, wash it off and start plating dessert. Cut the brownie into four pieces. If you want, purposely make sure they’re not equal and you can play a little psychological game with your guests called, Who’s the greediest person I know? Place the brownies on the one bite spoons. This would already be pretentious as is and guests won’t even be focused on taste since they're hungry, but we can do better. Add some whip cream on top! And by whip cream I mean shaving cream. And by shaving cream I mean shitty shaving cream! And by shitty shaving cream I mean Barbasol. I should say I use Barbosol and have beautiful skin, but there is no doubt that it’s shitty when applied to food.
| Use the shaving cream to make your brownies look like they have old presidents’ wigs on. This will ultimately lead people to say that the brownies look like a “Black George Washington” and will drive the conversation towards the disparities between race and culture. Once you have white people talking about things they’ve never experienced first-hand they’ll be good and ready to enjoy eating shaving cream. | Once you have white people talking about things they’ve never experienced first-hand they’ll be good and ready to enjoy eating shaving cream. |
Step 6 – Add Zest and Pzazz
I don’t know why, but people lose their shit for zest! I went with a Hershey Kiss and a lime, but you can pretty much zest anything you can run across a cheese grater. Seriously, pick anything in your kitchen or family room; it doesn't even have to be edible for all I care. You could zest some of your coffee table or maybe the corner of a lamp. Whatever you choose, zest it all over the brownies and people will straight up lose their shit.
I don’t know why, but people lose their shit for zest! I went with a Hershey Kiss and a lime, but you can pretty much zest anything you can run across a cheese grater. Seriously, pick anything in your kitchen or family room; it doesn't even have to be edible for all I care. You could zest some of your coffee table or maybe the corner of a lamp. Whatever you choose, zest it all over the brownies and people will straight up lose their shit.
| To top it all off I walked in front of my house picked some leaves off a rose bush and stuck them in there too. Fifty-percent of this amuse-bouche isn't even edible, but you've left your guests so unsatisfied they’ll eat almost anything just like a hungry-man. | I don't know why, but people lose their shit for zest! |
