Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on fish and chips.
Background and Story
Fish and chips is a traditional bar food that originally was consumed by the working class of England, Scotland and Ireland. Working class foods are perfect in pretentious forms and a working class food from the British Isles, a place known for terrible food, has to be shitty. As a result it is a perfect meal to make pretentious. For reasons unknown to this author, rich people seem to love the idea of eating the food of the lower class. It likely gives them a sense that they are, “of the people” while still eating in their mansion. You’re probably saying, “But Kyle with just a few ingredients how pretentious can fish and chips really get?” Lets find out.
Background and Story
Fish and chips is a traditional bar food that originally was consumed by the working class of England, Scotland and Ireland. Working class foods are perfect in pretentious forms and a working class food from the British Isles, a place known for terrible food, has to be shitty. As a result it is a perfect meal to make pretentious. For reasons unknown to this author, rich people seem to love the idea of eating the food of the lower class. It likely gives them a sense that they are, “of the people” while still eating in their mansion. You’re probably saying, “But Kyle with just a few ingredients how pretentious can fish and chips really get?” Lets find out.
Step 1 – Cook the fish
Fish comes in many forms. Stick. Pattie. Burger. For this meal we’re going to use "Fish wedges". What the fuck is a fish wedge?! I have no idea and for that reason I can only assume it is one of the shittiest forms of fish available. I've never been to a restaurant with fish wedges on special. Don’t worry your dinner guests will have no idea either! Just tell them that you, “…have a fish monger down at the docks” that you go to for all your seafood. They’ll immediately forget about whatever version of food they’re stuffing in their face. We’re going to bake our “Crunchy Fish Wedges” in the toaster oven. As with most shitty foods, you could microwave them, but then you’d have to call them “Soggy Fish Wedges” and that would be a disservice to the box they came in.
Fish comes in many forms. Stick. Pattie. Burger. For this meal we’re going to use "Fish wedges". What the fuck is a fish wedge?! I have no idea and for that reason I can only assume it is one of the shittiest forms of fish available. I've never been to a restaurant with fish wedges on special. Don’t worry your dinner guests will have no idea either! Just tell them that you, “…have a fish monger down at the docks” that you go to for all your seafood. They’ll immediately forget about whatever version of food they’re stuffing in their face. We’re going to bake our “Crunchy Fish Wedges” in the toaster oven. As with most shitty foods, you could microwave them, but then you’d have to call them “Soggy Fish Wedges” and that would be a disservice to the box they came in.
Step 2 – Cook the chips
It’s essential that the fries are equally shitty. You don’t want one ingredient out shining the other. In terms of shittiness, they should always compliment one another. Get something frozen and thick – you always hear restaurants brag about steak cut, hand cut, artisan made, or homestyle fries as if a big fat French fry is appetizing. Anytime a restaurant has, “Hand-cut artisan” on the menu, it means they’re paying an illegal immigrant to cut potatoes in the back all day. We’ll want to achieve that same immigrant-cut vibe with our fries. These too will be cooked in the toaster oven.
It’s essential that the fries are equally shitty. You don’t want one ingredient out shining the other. In terms of shittiness, they should always compliment one another. Get something frozen and thick – you always hear restaurants brag about steak cut, hand cut, artisan made, or homestyle fries as if a big fat French fry is appetizing. Anytime a restaurant has, “Hand-cut artisan” on the menu, it means they’re paying an illegal immigrant to cut potatoes in the back all day. We’ll want to achieve that same immigrant-cut vibe with our fries. These too will be cooked in the toaster oven.
Step 3 – Cook the peas
Just when this meal couldn’t get any shittier we’ve decided to add peas! Easily one of the most overrated vegetables, peas always have to be cooked with an emphasis on distraction. If you just gave a person a bowl of peas they would rightfully say to you, “Dude, what the fuck do you want me to do with these?”, but if you make peas in a variety of ways people will not only eat them, but enjoy them. How crazy is that?! Call it a sexually playful, yet disgusting name like, "A three way of pea" and see which of your guests blush the most. The rest of them will act like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard. We’re actually going to cook our peas one way (boiled) and serve them three ways, (1) overcooked and mashed, (2) cooked and semi-mashed as well as (3) undercooked and whole. This variety will have your guests saying super interesting things like, “Oh are these peas? In my humble opinion peas are one of the most underrated vegetables” which is the most pretentious thing a person can say about peas. Peas aren't memorable; nobody remembers the best peas they've ever had and nobody asks you for, "That great pea recipe" because they're shitty.
Step 4 – Plating
Typically fish and chips are appropriately served in a shitty red basket lined with wax paper. Recently on cooking shows I’ve seen people serve it in newspaper. Nice try chefs that went to chef school, but let’s take it up a notch! First start with a brown paper bag; cut it up and fold it into a plate. Why a brown paper bag? This will give you a great opportunity to tell your guests about your concern for the environment. “Guys I used a paper bag because they are biodegradable and don’t pollute our waterways like plastic bags do. Furthermore seagulls can get stuck in them and die.” (WELL WOOPDEEDOO, WHAT WOULD WE DO WITH ONE LESS SEAGULL?!) You’re guests will nod in agreement.
Just when this meal couldn’t get any shittier we’ve decided to add peas! Easily one of the most overrated vegetables, peas always have to be cooked with an emphasis on distraction. If you just gave a person a bowl of peas they would rightfully say to you, “Dude, what the fuck do you want me to do with these?”, but if you make peas in a variety of ways people will not only eat them, but enjoy them. How crazy is that?! Call it a sexually playful, yet disgusting name like, "A three way of pea" and see which of your guests blush the most. The rest of them will act like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard. We’re actually going to cook our peas one way (boiled) and serve them three ways, (1) overcooked and mashed, (2) cooked and semi-mashed as well as (3) undercooked and whole. This variety will have your guests saying super interesting things like, “Oh are these peas? In my humble opinion peas are one of the most underrated vegetables” which is the most pretentious thing a person can say about peas. Peas aren't memorable; nobody remembers the best peas they've ever had and nobody asks you for, "That great pea recipe" because they're shitty.
Step 4 – Plating
Typically fish and chips are appropriately served in a shitty red basket lined with wax paper. Recently on cooking shows I’ve seen people serve it in newspaper. Nice try chefs that went to chef school, but let’s take it up a notch! First start with a brown paper bag; cut it up and fold it into a plate. Why a brown paper bag? This will give you a great opportunity to tell your guests about your concern for the environment. “Guys I used a paper bag because they are biodegradable and don’t pollute our waterways like plastic bags do. Furthermore seagulls can get stuck in them and die.” (WELL WOOPDEEDOO, WHAT WOULD WE DO WITH ONE LESS SEAGULL?!) You’re guests will nod in agreement.
Don’t stop there though. Get an issue of the New Yorker and create a bed of the pages for the fish and chips to lie on top of. Your guests will be so enamored with eating their way to the cartoon that you could pretty much feed them anything.
Step 5 - Lay me down in a bed of fries
Strategically create a bed of fries with the crunchy fish wedges leaning across them. Then spread the peas across the front of the “plate” in order from mush to under-cooked. Next you’re going to want to add dipping sauces of both ketchup for the fries and tater sauce for the fish. The sauces are crucial for making this food edible since you can pretty much put ketchup on anything and have it taste exactly like ketchup. I choose a “premium tarter sauce” which doesn’t sound shitty at all, but if you look at the picture on the bottle, it looks like a cat threw up directly on a fish wedge, so this will be perfect.
Strategically create a bed of fries with the crunchy fish wedges leaning across them. Then spread the peas across the front of the “plate” in order from mush to under-cooked. Next you’re going to want to add dipping sauces of both ketchup for the fries and tater sauce for the fish. The sauces are crucial for making this food edible since you can pretty much put ketchup on anything and have it taste exactly like ketchup. I choose a “premium tarter sauce” which doesn’t sound shitty at all, but if you look at the picture on the bottle, it looks like a cat threw up directly on a fish wedge, so this will be perfect.
For the ketchup, I don’t think I could have gone any shittier. I live in a group house and found some ketchup from the “Rite Aid” pantry which has to be some of the shittiest ketchup in the world. If you have a roommate eating Rite Aid ketchup take a little time to ask them what's happening in their lives.
I put the sauces in "Pinch pots" I'm not really sure what they are, but my girlfriend had some and they look Asian. People will assume they were well designed and that their overall condiment experience has been improved.
Step 6 – The Finishing Touches
We’re almost there guys. Slice up a little lemon and lime and pile it on top of the wedges. Be sure to provide your guests with slices rather than quarters or halves so it’s difficult for them to squeeze which punches up the pretentiousness of the meal. Add some hot sauce to the tarter sauce for color but mostly to burn the hell out of your guests’ mouths. If they can even taste the fish or chips the sea salt and malt vinegar should finish the job and completely destroy their tounge. To top it all off add a beverage; it can be any beverage so long as it’s LOCAL. A local beverage will result in an annoying, yet pretentious conversation about supporting local businesses and the greater need for sustainability which your guests will also be able to read about on their plates.
We’re almost there guys. Slice up a little lemon and lime and pile it on top of the wedges. Be sure to provide your guests with slices rather than quarters or halves so it’s difficult for them to squeeze which punches up the pretentiousness of the meal. Add some hot sauce to the tarter sauce for color but mostly to burn the hell out of your guests’ mouths. If they can even taste the fish or chips the sea salt and malt vinegar should finish the job and completely destroy their tounge. To top it all off add a beverage; it can be any beverage so long as it’s LOCAL. A local beverage will result in an annoying, yet pretentious conversation about supporting local businesses and the greater need for sustainability which your guests will also be able to read about on their plates.
