Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re going to make a seasonal favorite…eggnog!
It’s the holidays so that means that for the next two weeks or we’ll see eggnog in peoples’ homes and on the shelves of grocery stores. Much like the ugly sweaters and acquaintances you see once a year, it’ll make an appearance at parties and then you’ll forget about it until next year. That’s because it’s shitty. It is probably one of the shittier seasonal drinks and just like apple cider and pumpkin ale, we’ll soon move on to champagne, dark beers and hot chocolate. For these next two weeks though lets revel in the shittness that is eggnog and try to make it a little more pretentious.
Due to the seasonal frequency of eggnog people get excited to drink it, so we’re already on the right track. When you hear people say things like, “I’m going to start drinking this year round” you know they’re holding something pretentious. Much like when I made pretentious $1 pizza, we’ll start at Shoppers Food Warehouse to pick up the store brand eggnog. This really isn’t a tough decision though; all eggnog is equally shitty. If you know the difference between eggnog brands, then you’re an asshole. The rest of this will be a breeze for you. In fact you should probably be writing this. I chose Shoppers generic brand of eggnog which they call, “Richfood”. Hey Shoppers, I think it’s time to call it, “Sorry you’re not Richfood”.
It’s the holidays so that means that for the next two weeks or we’ll see eggnog in peoples’ homes and on the shelves of grocery stores. Much like the ugly sweaters and acquaintances you see once a year, it’ll make an appearance at parties and then you’ll forget about it until next year. That’s because it’s shitty. It is probably one of the shittier seasonal drinks and just like apple cider and pumpkin ale, we’ll soon move on to champagne, dark beers and hot chocolate. For these next two weeks though lets revel in the shittness that is eggnog and try to make it a little more pretentious.
Due to the seasonal frequency of eggnog people get excited to drink it, so we’re already on the right track. When you hear people say things like, “I’m going to start drinking this year round” you know they’re holding something pretentious. Much like when I made pretentious $1 pizza, we’ll start at Shoppers Food Warehouse to pick up the store brand eggnog. This really isn’t a tough decision though; all eggnog is equally shitty. If you know the difference between eggnog brands, then you’re an asshole. The rest of this will be a breeze for you. In fact you should probably be writing this. I chose Shoppers generic brand of eggnog which they call, “Richfood”. Hey Shoppers, I think it’s time to call it, “Sorry you’re not Richfood”.
After seeing the above picture and looking at previous blog posts you may have noticed I now have a tile back splash. You’re probably wondering, “Kyle are you really so committed to a blog that you’re getting kitchen improvements done?!” I’ll let you continue to wonder.
I think a really pretentious way to approach this is to play off the seasons as well as the name of the drink, which is why we’re going to start with eggs.
I think a really pretentious way to approach this is to play off the seasons as well as the name of the drink, which is why we’re going to start with eggs.
Any pretentious meal can get waaaaaay more pretentious by using blue collar type tools like a chisel, a blow torch or a hacksaw. It’s perfect if you can use anything while cooking that you would normally use to rob a bank. I’m using a hacksaw to cut the tops off of the eggs which will then be used as small cups for my eggnog. People will think it’s adorable, clever and so brilliant, “The way you incorporated exactly what they’re drinking into the dishware.” Seriously, why do I not have a shitty cooking show yet?
With deep concentration I cut through two eggs. One of them held a surprise! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand twwwwiiiiiiins!!!!! This wasn’t even staged! It’s a Christmas miracle!
If you’re having a large dinner party it probably isn't convenient to cut dozens of eggs for cups (assuming you’re popular). If that’s your situation get an ostrich egg and make a punch bowl out of it. If there’s anything I know about eggs it’s that people love them when they’re comically oversized or undersized. Now lets plate the shit out of this eggnog! You can use any type of plate, we’re going to cover it in this case, but if you really want to look like a huge douche wrap a cutting board in wrapping paper and plate everything on there. I didn't have any wrapping paper because I’m a dude; it’s December 19th and I have a whole week until Christmas to worry about having to use junk mail as wrapping paper.
Holiday parties can try your patience as you try to make small talk with someone you might one day become Facebook friends with! To get your guests talking, put a Naughty or Nice list on the plate. This will get people engaged about the topics, but the important thing is to show how much you know about everything – sports, politics, television, etc. I went with 2012 topics and people. Everyone can hate on LeBron James! Little People, Big World? I’ve never even seen it, but I know the concept and who doesn’t like talking about midgets?!…I mean little people. Most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, make sure you have plenty of music references that the majority of people won’t know about. If you’d like to make it ironic, title the list “Hood or Good”. That’s a Kid Cudi reference, but any reference to the struggles of minority cultures will be appreciated by all of your white guests. I also split my list with a cross – Don’t forget kids, Jesus is always watching…or Santa…well, some creeper with a beard will always be watching you.
Now go outside and rip a bunch of evergreen branches off of a tree and cover the plate. As Jimmy Stewart said,
“‘Tis the season for putting evergreen shit where it doesn’t normally belong.“
“‘Tis the season for putting evergreen shit where it doesn’t normally belong.“
Now fill your eggs with eggnog and any type of rum or whiskey that you’d like as long as it’s shitty. Something from a plastic bottled is preferred, but I’d recommend Admiral Nelson’s Rum due to the Urban Dictionary definition and sentence:
(3) Admiral Horatio Nelson, commander of the Royal Navy when Britain won the great battle of Trafalgar. Not quite as much of an accomplishment as selling a high quality good tasting rum for half of what the competition sells it for.
(1) “I’m low on money and need to get this freshman girl crunked so I can bone her tonight. Better stop by liqours and pick up some admiral!”
(3) Admiral Horatio Nelson, commander of the Royal Navy when Britain won the great battle of Trafalgar. Not quite as much of an accomplishment as selling a high quality good tasting rum for half of what the competition sells it for.
(1) “I’m low on money and need to get this freshman girl crunked so I can bone her tonight. Better stop by liqours and pick up some admiral!”
We’re almost done! TIME TO ADD CINNAMON!!!! PEOPLE FREAK OUT OVER CINNAMON. “HOLY FUCK IS THAT IN BOTH STICK FORM AND AS A POWDER?!” Your guests are going to lose their shit and they might start ripping pictures off your wall. If that becomes a problem just add red sprinkles on top and they’ll die instantly because their heads will explode.
Finally get your friends to put on red flannel and act like they’re about to film a Gap add. It’s vital for them to look like they just said or heard the funniest thing in of their lives.
Is that love in the air? Nope it’s shitty eggnog made to look pretentious.
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Enjoyed this article? Share it on Facebook or Twitter. Follow Kyle on Twitter @suckcessstory