I decided that the best way to write about the classic shitty St. Patrick's Day meal, corned beef and cabbage, would be to get black-out drunk. First I had some Irish Whisky and then some Irish coffee to keep me up. This is the second time I've written something while under the dark haze of alcohol. The first time was in college. I wrote a short journal entry for an English class when I got home from the bars one night. It sounded like it was written by a lunatic and I had to rewrite it when I woke up the next day. Ten years later and it turns out that lunatic is still in there.
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After half a bottle of Jamison, apparently I got a little too handsy with my girlfriend, put her to bed and wrote this...
Want to cook not shitty food for you r friends? how about shitty corned beef and cabbage? That's a good one?
Want to cook not shitty food for you r friends? how about shitty corned beef and cabbage? That's a good one?
I feel very drunk. Which is which my should've friends should've said to me brfore I wrote this. But it's too late. I love writing and I lod writing about things food related with drinking. I can barelt set up right wihile drinking this article. I think corned beef and cabbage are a thing that should be celebrated thgouh tood.
| look at theat beautiful honey. it should be celebrated. Look at that marbleing. People loce marbleiong. They lose their shit ober it. People say things like, "Oh wow that is some incredible marbleing. I would be honored to eat something like that. We all would be for certain it juswt depends on the venue. | I would be honored to eat something like that. We all would be for certain it juswt depends on the venue. |
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"Whoa my goodness is that cabbage?!" HOLY SHIT BALLS I LOVE CABBAGE!!! I MEAN YOU KNOW I LOVE BACON IN THE FORM OF TURKEY, BUT I LOVE A GOOD HA, HAOCK!
I mean I parade around for it! I haven;t been this excited for bacon since I met ham haock!
You met ham hock!?
Well golly I bneed to meet you then!
You nee to bneed me?
I eel like a nobofy!
You not a nobody!, You're a somebody, who liuves in manhattan, who raisews a kid at 80 ham hawks an hour and an 80 who cars back i an alley way as well asll belueved!!
I mean I parade around for it! I haven;t been this excited for bacon since I met ham haock!
You met ham hock!?
Well golly I bneed to meet you then!
You nee to bneed me?
I eel like a nobofy!
You not a nobody!, You're a somebody, who liuves in manhattan, who raisews a kid at 80 ham hawks an hour and an 80 who cars back i an alley way as well asll belueved!!
| AAAAAAwwwwww hell yeah that's omse nasxty [otatodes right ther! nowbody like potatoes like that! Tahats some nasyty stuff like some want some potatoes right up in there! Oh yeah! I'm frojm nasty CA so I donj;t want it to go so I trhink Maybe it should be a nastro socitety. then? What do you think? Your're all a funch of push baggs! Dojn't you realizd that beepopel likwe pete Hgolems are | Your're all a funch of push baggs! Dojn't you realizd that beepopel likwe pete Hgolems are |
Yto cutr the hams into three pieces! It makes everything more susceptible.
What?!
That's as far as I made it drunk, proving just how unproductive it is to act like an alcoholic. I woke up on my couch thinking, "Oh no. I fell asleep without writing anything". Turns out I wrote about my love of marbling, my love of ham hock...again...and of course my love of Pete Holmes. The rest of this recipe will be written while very hung over. Don't be a push bagg; enjoy it.
What?!
That's as far as I made it drunk, proving just how unproductive it is to act like an alcoholic. I woke up on my couch thinking, "Oh no. I fell asleep without writing anything". Turns out I wrote about my love of marbling, my love of ham hock...again...and of course my love of Pete Holmes. The rest of this recipe will be written while very hung over. Don't be a push bagg; enjoy it.
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Take a trip to the 90 Cent and Up Store
I found a dollar store near my house that sells busted dinnerware! Chances are kids in China were verbally abused for these mistakes, but this was very exciting for me! I'm finally able to use shitty dinnerware that has been made to look pretentious. It's not even a dollar store really, it's actually dubbed, 90 Cent and Up Store. Anyway you'll need a solid base for this meal; put a square of cabbage at the bottom which will buttress the rest of the food. Cabbage is one of the few vegetables that doesn't give a fuck. "What's that? It's winter time and I shouldn't be growing? Well how the hell else am I gonna get a leg up on lettuce?! EVERYONE LOOOOOVES LETTUCE. WHY?! Ohhhhh your name's Iceburg and you can't grow in the cold. Other than coleslaw people only eat me on St. Patrick's Day! Try dealing with that!"
I found a dollar store near my house that sells busted dinnerware! Chances are kids in China were verbally abused for these mistakes, but this was very exciting for me! I'm finally able to use shitty dinnerware that has been made to look pretentious. It's not even a dollar store really, it's actually dubbed, 90 Cent and Up Store. Anyway you'll need a solid base for this meal; put a square of cabbage at the bottom which will buttress the rest of the food. Cabbage is one of the few vegetables that doesn't give a fuck. "What's that? It's winter time and I shouldn't be growing? Well how the hell else am I gonna get a leg up on lettuce?! EVERYONE LOOOOOVES LETTUCE. WHY?! Ohhhhh your name's Iceburg and you can't grow in the cold. Other than coleslaw people only eat me on St. Patrick's Day! Try dealing with that!"
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Next lay two pieces of the corned beef on top of the cabbage. I feel like I explained the corned beef pretty eloquently at the beginning of this post, but for those who were lost I just went to the deli counter at the grocery store and asked for a big slab of corned beef. If you want to go shittier, you can get corned beef in a tin, but I don't have time to shop around for meat in a tin. Next, put the shitty boxed potatoes on top of the corned beef.
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Typically corned beef and cabbage is a heaping mess. Keep it neat by adding some sliced carrots. Add some more cabbage and beef too. You want people to be well fed on St. Patrick's Day otherwise you'll just be scrubbing chunks out of your carpet.
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After that, pour some Guinness into tiny jelly jars. If you don't have any tiny jam jars, ask the woman in your life for some. She either has some or has been thinking about getting some. Explain to your guests that this stout is brewed by monks in the hills of Ireland. For some reason people romanticize the idea of monks brewing beer, but Irish monks? That sounds ridiculous, which is why this beer is so rare. Pour the rest of the Guinness into a sauce pan and mix it with the potato gravy that you set aside earlier. You forgot to do that? What about my instructions of, "Oh yeah! I'm frojm nasty CA so I donj;t want it to go so I trhink Maybe it should be a nastro socitety. then?" did you not get?
Finally, top it off with the cabbage hearts and set it all on a block of wood. That's it. It's 1:20 in the afternoon and it's time for me to throw up now.
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