Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on chicken and waffles!
Step 1 - Choose and Cook Your Fried Chicken
When deciding on a shitty fried chicken look no further than your grocer's freezer. That means it's time for a Banquet! According to Wiki Banquet was founded in 1953 with the introduction of frozen meat pies. WHAT?! BANQUET CAME STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GATES WITH A MEAT PIE?! Wow a company with absolutely hope to be something special right from the start! I kind of respect them for that. You probably have a couple questions:
When deciding on a shitty fried chicken look no further than your grocer's freezer. That means it's time for a Banquet! According to Wiki Banquet was founded in 1953 with the introduction of frozen meat pies. WHAT?! BANQUET CAME STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GATES WITH A MEAT PIE?! Wow a company with absolutely hope to be something special right from the start! I kind of respect them for that. You probably have a couple questions:
- What is a meat pie? I'm not entirely sure, but I have to assume it's just meat stuffed in a pie crust.
- Uh, is that a porn thing? For that answer you'll have to consult Camel Toe Productions.
"So good for so little" is a telltale sign that there's no way this chicken could get any worse. "So much for so little" would have worked too. On top of that they trademarked their tagline. "WE MUST USE THIS ON ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS! THIS IS OUR CREDO"
I have to admit that the fried chicken doesn't actually look that bad! It appears both crispy and golden brown. Unfortunately it's still frozen. This is one of the reasons Banquet will last forever. You could put this chicken in a time capsule, open it 50 years later and it would be exactly the same. It really doesn't even have to be frozen; the preservatives will keep this chicken "Fresh" for eternity. The dudes from American Pickers would lose their shit if they found some dusty old chicken in the back of a barn in Tennessee. Especially if it's still in the box.
For safety purposes we'll still cook this. Use an oven. If you're poor like most of the people eating this, use your toaster oven. If you're really poor, you're probably reading this on a computer at the library. Maybe you can sneak into their break room and use their microwave.
For safety purposes we'll still cook this. Use an oven. If you're poor like most of the people eating this, use your toaster oven. If you're really poor, you're probably reading this on a computer at the library. Maybe you can sneak into their break room and use their microwave.
Step 2 - Choose and Cook Your Waffles
Lucky for you, you won't have to go far to find shitty waffles. What do you know, they're also in the frozen food section. I went with some Essential Everyday homestyle waffles. Homestyle. Just like mom used to make. I have fond memories of the lazy Saturday mornings of my childhood. My mom used to take out the waffle maker and let it heat until it was simmering, she'd use the egg beaters given to her by her great grandmother to blend the homemade batter smooth. She'd take care pouring the batter in, letting it seep into each empty square with tender care and she'd cook the waffles to perfection. Then she'd wrap them in plastic and freeze the shit out of them allowing us to enjoy them 2-4 months later. Homestyle baby!
The waffles can be cooked in a similar fashion to the chicken. Oven, toaster oven, toaster or library microwave. You could also just let them sit out until they thaw.
Lucky for you, you won't have to go far to find shitty waffles. What do you know, they're also in the frozen food section. I went with some Essential Everyday homestyle waffles. Homestyle. Just like mom used to make. I have fond memories of the lazy Saturday mornings of my childhood. My mom used to take out the waffle maker and let it heat until it was simmering, she'd use the egg beaters given to her by her great grandmother to blend the homemade batter smooth. She'd take care pouring the batter in, letting it seep into each empty square with tender care and she'd cook the waffles to perfection. Then she'd wrap them in plastic and freeze the shit out of them allowing us to enjoy them 2-4 months later. Homestyle baby!
The waffles can be cooked in a similar fashion to the chicken. Oven, toaster oven, toaster or library microwave. You could also just let them sit out until they thaw.
Step 3 - Collect Additional Ingredients
Because this is such a shitty meal, we're going to need to dress it up with some additional shitty accouterments. You'll need the following:
Because this is such a shitty meal, we're going to need to dress it up with some additional shitty accouterments. You'll need the following:
- Essential Everyday Syrup, flavored with butter - Syrup makes the shittiest food taste pretty good. Even shitty syrup like this. Everyone knows that. "I love maple syrup on pancakes; I love it on pizza. I'll take maple syrup and put a little on my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up slick?" - Vince Vaugh in Wedding Crashers"
- Butter - Let's face it. Butter makes most thing taste better. It makes toast better, it makes muffins better, it makes waffles better and as we just found out it makes shitty syrup better.
- Essential Everyday Chicken Gravy - If gravy is "Essential" to your everyday diet, take a moment to button your pants, pull your shirt down over your belly and go for a long walk.
- Frank's Red Hot - I like Frank's Red Hot. I don't think it's shitty at all. I find it pretty delicious. But like they say, "I put that shit on everything." So why not try putting it on this pretentious version of chicken and waffles? You can find shittier hot sauce than Frank's, but treat yourself a little bit.
- Prilosec OTC - Much like acid reflux, this will come up later.
Step 4 - Season the Gravy
The gravy is pretty nasty on it's own and costs less than $1. How could gravy possibly be something that should go in your body? Ever see gravy after it's cooled? It's just a layer of fat. Now imagine that coating your insides. We're at least going to add a bunch of green spices to it. It really doesn't matter what kind, as long as you tell your guests that you picked them right out of your herb garden. I don't care if you don't have a yard or a garden growing within your non-existent yard. Your guests will just start talking about their aspirations to start a garden on the roof of their apartment building or in the back of an old pickup truck. "Let me tell you. I know I've said this in the past, but this is the summer. I am starting a garden. I mean there's a house down the street that has three pickup trucks parked in front of it. One of the trucks...well the cab is just filled with newspapers! Newspapers! Can you believe that? They don't even drive it! I just think to myself well if you're not going to drive the truck why not plant a nice herb garden in the back bed. So I was looking up how to convert a truck into a garden. It's not EVEN that hard. Poeple do it in Scandanavia all the time. Ya know the Europeans, well they're just better at things. OK...I can see on your face that you're skeptical, but you wait. I am going to have so much kale for you this summer! You're going to be saying, "DID THIS COME FROM YOUR GARDEN?! You wait. I'll do it. You wait." This is the verbal equivalent of gravy, so it's pretty entertaining.
The gravy is pretty nasty on it's own and costs less than $1. How could gravy possibly be something that should go in your body? Ever see gravy after it's cooled? It's just a layer of fat. Now imagine that coating your insides. We're at least going to add a bunch of green spices to it. It really doesn't matter what kind, as long as you tell your guests that you picked them right out of your herb garden. I don't care if you don't have a yard or a garden growing within your non-existent yard. Your guests will just start talking about their aspirations to start a garden on the roof of their apartment building or in the back of an old pickup truck. "Let me tell you. I know I've said this in the past, but this is the summer. I am starting a garden. I mean there's a house down the street that has three pickup trucks parked in front of it. One of the trucks...well the cab is just filled with newspapers! Newspapers! Can you believe that? They don't even drive it! I just think to myself well if you're not going to drive the truck why not plant a nice herb garden in the back bed. So I was looking up how to convert a truck into a garden. It's not EVEN that hard. Poeple do it in Scandanavia all the time. Ya know the Europeans, well they're just better at things. OK...I can see on your face that you're skeptical, but you wait. I am going to have so much kale for you this summer! You're going to be saying, "DID THIS COME FROM YOUR GARDEN?! You wait. I'll do it. You wait." This is the verbal equivalent of gravy, so it's pretty entertaining.
Step 5 - Plating
Start with the waffle. This is the most difficult component of the meal to disguise. Putting it at the bottom allows all the other nasty juices to soak into it. You're creating a waffle-sponge that will be mostly butter, syrup, gravy, and chicken grease. By the time they get to the waffle it's just a sponge full of fat. Add a side dish of syrup. You can't have chicken and waffles without syrup, but put it in a pretentious little container. That "everyday essential" already looks better!
Start with the waffle. This is the most difficult component of the meal to disguise. Putting it at the bottom allows all the other nasty juices to soak into it. You're creating a waffle-sponge that will be mostly butter, syrup, gravy, and chicken grease. By the time they get to the waffle it's just a sponge full of fat. Add a side dish of syrup. You can't have chicken and waffles without syrup, but put it in a pretentious little container. That "everyday essential" already looks better!
Step 6 - Prilosec
White people LOVE pretentious food. Almost as much as white people love cocaine. Oddly enough, it’s the same people that say, “I won’t eat anything that’s processed. I won’t buy anything that isn’t fair trade. I ONLY buy local.” But when cocaine starts getting passed around you never hear them say, “Wait a minute, this isn’t processed right? It’s also fair trade? Ummm was this smuggled here in the butt of a free range drug mule?” I’m interested in good health, so we’re going to exploit that love of cocaine and turn it into a healthy alternative. This meal is full of fried food and fat which is a gastroesophageal challenge for anybody. Crush up some Priloec and spread a line out across the plate. You don't have to use Prilosec. That's the pure stuff. You could get the generic brand. It doesn't matter too much, tell your guests it's coke. You're doing them a favor. They'll trick themselves into thinking it will keep them ready to party after a big meal. How are you going to explain the fact that it doesn't look like coke at all? I don't know. Why not just lie? It's something new. The pink pieces are actually Himalayan seat salt. That will get them talking about their favorite kinds of salt. WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE KIND OF SALT?
White people LOVE pretentious food. Almost as much as white people love cocaine. Oddly enough, it’s the same people that say, “I won’t eat anything that’s processed. I won’t buy anything that isn’t fair trade. I ONLY buy local.” But when cocaine starts getting passed around you never hear them say, “Wait a minute, this isn’t processed right? It’s also fair trade? Ummm was this smuggled here in the butt of a free range drug mule?” I’m interested in good health, so we’re going to exploit that love of cocaine and turn it into a healthy alternative. This meal is full of fried food and fat which is a gastroesophageal challenge for anybody. Crush up some Priloec and spread a line out across the plate. You don't have to use Prilosec. That's the pure stuff. You could get the generic brand. It doesn't matter too much, tell your guests it's coke. You're doing them a favor. They'll trick themselves into thinking it will keep them ready to party after a big meal. How are you going to explain the fact that it doesn't look like coke at all? I don't know. Why not just lie? It's something new. The pink pieces are actually Himalayan seat salt. That will get them talking about their favorite kinds of salt. WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE KIND OF SALT?
Provide an old school $100 bill for their instrument of consumption. "Oh what?! Is this an old school hundred?!" No it's a 2006 hundred. That should almost be "vintage" enough for your guests to really enjoy it. It'll take them back to the days when they could crush chicken and waffles without consequence. Well it's been seven years of eating garbage and their stomach acid is finally betraying them. Time to get things right. Maybe you don't have a hundred dollar bill to just snort Priloec with. Use a $1 bill. Don't have a $1 bill? Rip a page out of your library book and roll that up.
Step 7 - Powder Your Chicken
We're almost there! Let's add the finishing touches to the meal. Add some little droplets of Frank's Red Hot to the plate and. If you have some confectioner sugar sprinkle it sparingly over both the chicken and waffles. I'm a 30 year old dude, so I don't have confectioner sugar. I do however have sweaty balls from time to time, so I went ahead and used Gold Bond body powder. Thanks to the pretentiousness of the meal and due to the fact that they'll be snorting Prilosec for the first time, your guests will probably be out of their mind, won't even question what they're eating and tell you it's delicious! It's not delicious. It's shitty food made pretentious.
We're almost there! Let's add the finishing touches to the meal. Add some little droplets of Frank's Red Hot to the plate and. If you have some confectioner sugar sprinkle it sparingly over both the chicken and waffles. I'm a 30 year old dude, so I don't have confectioner sugar. I do however have sweaty balls from time to time, so I went ahead and used Gold Bond body powder. Thanks to the pretentiousness of the meal and due to the fact that they'll be snorting Prilosec for the first time, your guests will probably be out of their mind, won't even question what they're eating and tell you it's delicious! It's not delicious. It's shitty food made pretentious.
