Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking a rustic Italian feast! This is the sardine appetizer that kicks off a three course meal.
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In the culinary world "rustic" is a word that gets lumped in with "artisinal" and "handcrafted" which essentially means anybody can make it. Rustic Italian cuisine is all about simple ingredients that are perfectly balanced with each other. When you need simple ingredients look no further than your local dollar store. Dollar stores are breeding grounds for methheads, crackheads, and the slow witted, so unless you're a big dummy you're going to want to fit in. Don't go shopping until you've grown out your facial hair for a minimum of four days. That goes for the ladies too! Let those whiskers shine baby! You want your face to scream of unemployment and a slight disregard for hygiene. IMPORTANT: IF YOU DON'T BLEND IN, ONE OF THE CRAZY CUSTOMERS WILL TALK TO YOU AND POTENTIALLY TOUCH YOU!
I went to Dollar Tree. With an extensive assortment of dented/mislabeled cans and jars of vegetables the dollar store will have almost everything you need to create this feast of grilled sardines with a gremolata. This appetizer only requires four ingredients - Sardines, capers, pimentos, and some "rustic" leaves from a shrub, yet your dinner guests will think they've been transported to the island of Sardinia!
I went to Dollar Tree. With an extensive assortment of dented/mislabeled cans and jars of vegetables the dollar store will have almost everything you need to create this feast of grilled sardines with a gremolata. This appetizer only requires four ingredients - Sardines, capers, pimentos, and some "rustic" leaves from a shrub, yet your dinner guests will think they've been transported to the island of Sardinia!
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Step One - Oh You So Nasty!
Your pretentious dinner guests are going to lose their shit for your grilled sardines! They will immediately assume you are a huge risk taker and will applaud your use of an ingredient that peaked in the 1950's. If you're trying to hook up with one of your guests THIS IS THE DISH FOR YOU! Cooking sardines says, "I'm not scared of eating weird things and if you want to get kinky with me later I'll be down for that too. What's that? You're disgustingly overweight? Do you think that scares me? I'm adventuresome. Bring a few of your chubby friends. We'll pack into my bed like a bunch of sardines and have an adventure together." If you're in need of some chubbos in your life, they can be found at the dollar store as well! This dish is even riskier if you can find canned sardines that include the head although those are tough to come by.
Begin by removing the sardines from the can. Be gentle! They are very breakable and you'll want to keep these babies whole. Heat up a grill pan on high heat, butter it and throw the sardines perpendicular to the lines in the pan to create the grill lines. If you don't have a grill pan not to worry; pan fry the sardines and called them, "Blackened sardines with a gremolata," instead.
Your pretentious dinner guests are going to lose their shit for your grilled sardines! They will immediately assume you are a huge risk taker and will applaud your use of an ingredient that peaked in the 1950's. If you're trying to hook up with one of your guests THIS IS THE DISH FOR YOU! Cooking sardines says, "I'm not scared of eating weird things and if you want to get kinky with me later I'll be down for that too. What's that? You're disgustingly overweight? Do you think that scares me? I'm adventuresome. Bring a few of your chubby friends. We'll pack into my bed like a bunch of sardines and have an adventure together." If you're in need of some chubbos in your life, they can be found at the dollar store as well! This dish is even riskier if you can find canned sardines that include the head although those are tough to come by.
Begin by removing the sardines from the can. Be gentle! They are very breakable and you'll want to keep these babies whole. Heat up a grill pan on high heat, butter it and throw the sardines perpendicular to the lines in the pan to create the grill lines. If you don't have a grill pan not to worry; pan fry the sardines and called them, "Blackened sardines with a gremolata," instead.
Step Two - Prepare Your Gremolata
Go outside and cut some leaves off of a shrub. Lucky for me the maintenance crew at my apartment was pruning the day I decided to make this and I didn't even have to make the effort to cut the leaves off myself. That's what Bob Ross calls a, "Happy accident." If there is anything growing on the leaves- molds, funghi, egg sacks, etc. leave them on for extra flavor. The leaves I used were from a lemon tree, so they're actually edible. Another happy accident! I don't know how big of a freak you are; maybe you want to poison your guests and have them puking all over your house; I don't know what you're into, but I'd recommend using something edible. Don't be lazy. Think of all the time you just saved by shopping at the dollar store rather than a farmer's market. Take that time to look up edible plants and imagine how prepared you'll be when the zombies take over. This will also give you fodder to sound like a snob at dinner, "The leaves are actually from local lemon trees. I believe that the most sustainable way to live is through shopping for locally sourced products, blah, blah, blah." Now your guests will automatically think you're better than them, know more than them, and will be a great leader for when the zombies come!
Cut up the leaves, mix them in a bowl with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper. Feel free to mix some dry spices in there too. Remember this is sardines. They taste nasty and that's what the people want so you really can't mess this one up.
Go outside and cut some leaves off of a shrub. Lucky for me the maintenance crew at my apartment was pruning the day I decided to make this and I didn't even have to make the effort to cut the leaves off myself. That's what Bob Ross calls a, "Happy accident." If there is anything growing on the leaves- molds, funghi, egg sacks, etc. leave them on for extra flavor. The leaves I used were from a lemon tree, so they're actually edible. Another happy accident! I don't know how big of a freak you are; maybe you want to poison your guests and have them puking all over your house; I don't know what you're into, but I'd recommend using something edible. Don't be lazy. Think of all the time you just saved by shopping at the dollar store rather than a farmer's market. Take that time to look up edible plants and imagine how prepared you'll be when the zombies take over. This will also give you fodder to sound like a snob at dinner, "The leaves are actually from local lemon trees. I believe that the most sustainable way to live is through shopping for locally sourced products, blah, blah, blah." Now your guests will automatically think you're better than them, know more than them, and will be a great leader for when the zombies come!
Cut up the leaves, mix them in a bowl with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper. Feel free to mix some dry spices in there too. Remember this is sardines. They taste nasty and that's what the people want so you really can't mess this one up.
Step Three - Marinated Accouterments
Add the pimentos and capers to the grill pan just long enough to blacken them a little. Don't tell your guests that they came from a jar, tell your guests that you've been marinating these pimentos and capers for six months in preparation for this meal. Who cares if it's a lie? The dollar store was marinating them on their shelves in whatever mystery marinade is in the bottle. It's not a citric acid marinade..."It's an old family recipe," passed down from your Italian grandmother. I don't care if you don't look Italian at all; people like worldly families. For this recipe (and other Italian recipes) you have an Italian grandmother! Making chicken and waffles or mac n' cheese? Make sure you have a black grandmother.
Add the pimentos and capers to the grill pan just long enough to blacken them a little. Don't tell your guests that they came from a jar, tell your guests that you've been marinating these pimentos and capers for six months in preparation for this meal. Who cares if it's a lie? The dollar store was marinating them on their shelves in whatever mystery marinade is in the bottle. It's not a citric acid marinade..."It's an old family recipe," passed down from your Italian grandmother. I don't care if you don't look Italian at all; people like worldly families. For this recipe (and other Italian recipes) you have an Italian grandmother! Making chicken and waffles or mac n' cheese? Make sure you have a black grandmother.
Step Four - Plate Like Christ!
While you're at the dollar store pick up a small basket and some parchment paper. I feel like Jesus probably served fish out of a basket. He probably would have gotten that basket at the dollar store while teaching hookers lessons in humility. Jesus also would've touched people at the dollar store. I don't encourage this type of behavior unless you're a sandal wearing hippie who hasn't showered in a while.
Line the basket with the parchment paper. You could use any type of brown paper; cut up brown paper bags if you want, just make sure it's not fancy. This will give it that beautiful, pretentious, rustic feel.
While you're at the dollar store pick up a small basket and some parchment paper. I feel like Jesus probably served fish out of a basket. He probably would have gotten that basket at the dollar store while teaching hookers lessons in humility. Jesus also would've touched people at the dollar store. I don't encourage this type of behavior unless you're a sandal wearing hippie who hasn't showered in a while.
Line the basket with the parchment paper. You could use any type of brown paper; cut up brown paper bags if you want, just make sure it's not fancy. This will give it that beautiful, pretentious, rustic feel.
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Next, add the gremolata across the sardines along with your grilled pimentos. Finally, strategically place your marinated capers throughout the dish. This beautiful appetizer will only cost you $6, but it will leave your guests saying, "Oh my god! Sardines? Is this fun or what?" Nope it's shitty food made pretentious.
