Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on 7-11 taquitos!
Much like St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo is yet another opportunity to celebrate an entire country's diverse culture through ignorance and drinking. That's what Mexico wants. Sure they seem quite passionate about immigration rights, but that's a distant second to you getting plastered on a Monday. If you're American, go straight from work, unbutton your top button, loosen your tie and GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE HOLIDAY YOU'RE CELEBRATING. Be sure to get drunk enough to leave the bar and yell down a crowded street full of white people, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" Follow that up with a high pitched laugh. Other drunks that look exactly like you will think you're hilarious and you'll have the comfort of knowing that if you drink enough, you too can be entertaining. You're talents aren't just limited to best man speeches anymore! If tequila and Mexican beer aren't enough for you, celebrate by doing a some coke. Other than being drunk out of your gourd, there really isn't a better way to acknowledge our amigos south of the border. The cities terrorized by drug lords can't have any fun, so that's what they WOULD WANT you to do. "Usted debe mantener la compra de cocaína. Mi familia le gusta vivir en un miedo terrible. Es la única manera que sabemos cómo sentir vivo!!" Same goes for the families in those cities who are beheaded by the drug lords and let's not forget to celebrate the drug mule that had the coke stuffed in his sweaty butt for a couple days as he scrambled through miles of tunnels below the border. Don't worry chances are he's a free-range, organic drug mule. He wouldn't even have a job if it weren't for you! The U.S. is the best and you're the best! So celebrate you deserve this!
Finally, complete your drug and booze fueled night by eating some authentic Mexican taquitos from 7-11. You can get almost any garbage from 7-11, but taquitos are their life blood. If there is an Asian person working behind the counter, explain to them about how much you appreciate their country and that you're really celebrating for them tonight. Then yell, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" They'll probably give you extra taquitos for being so funny! But don't just eat them. Make them pretentious! Invite your friends over. Take some pictures. Share them on Facebook with your new catchphrase, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" Remember this holiday is about YOU!
When purchasing taquitos go for the deal that 7-11 has presented you. "2 for $2.22" What a steal! You're the type of person who doesn't want to live with regrets, so get two of every variety they offer. You'll only need three taquitos for this recipe, but let's not kid ourselves, if you're drunk you're going to want to eat at least three on the way home. While you're at 7-11, pretend that you're the least thoughtful person going to a Super Bowl party and pick up some nachos, salsa, shredded cheese and sour cream. Go over to the free nacho cheese dispenser and load up on some of that too! If I were homeless I would live off of the free nacho cheese and chili dispenser, although it's kind of like drinking water in Mexico; your body can only take so much before it betrays you.
Finally, complete your drug and booze fueled night by eating some authentic Mexican taquitos from 7-11. You can get almost any garbage from 7-11, but taquitos are their life blood. If there is an Asian person working behind the counter, explain to them about how much you appreciate their country and that you're really celebrating for them tonight. Then yell, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" They'll probably give you extra taquitos for being so funny! But don't just eat them. Make them pretentious! Invite your friends over. Take some pictures. Share them on Facebook with your new catchphrase, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" Remember this holiday is about YOU!
When purchasing taquitos go for the deal that 7-11 has presented you. "2 for $2.22" What a steal! You're the type of person who doesn't want to live with regrets, so get two of every variety they offer. You'll only need three taquitos for this recipe, but let's not kid ourselves, if you're drunk you're going to want to eat at least three on the way home. While you're at 7-11, pretend that you're the least thoughtful person going to a Super Bowl party and pick up some nachos, salsa, shredded cheese and sour cream. Go over to the free nacho cheese dispenser and load up on some of that too! If I were homeless I would live off of the free nacho cheese and chili dispenser, although it's kind of like drinking water in Mexico; your body can only take so much before it betrays you.
If you're at a fancy 7-11 they may have some limes (usually by the counter) in preparation for this one day of the year when they only sell Corona. Pick on of those up too. For this recipe you'll also need cilantro (or parsley), tomato and jalapeno peppers. 7-11 doesn't carry any of these items so you'll need the foresight to purchase them prior to your drunken stooper. That sounds like a lot of advance planning but let's face it, when you saw May 5th on your calender you knew you'd be shoving taquitos into your face. It's a sure thing - Death, taxes, and 7-11 taquitos on Cinco the 5th.
Taquito Numero Uno
We're going to prepare the taquitos in three ways. When it comes to eating trash, I have a very refined palate and I recommend getting the Monterrey chicken, the Buffalo chicken, and steak and cheese taquitos. 7-11 described the steak and cheese taquito as, "Big juicy steak flavor wrapped in a warm, crispy tortilla roll without any steakhouse stuffiness." To that the dumbest man on earth said, "Oh wow, look at them heated rollers. This feels like a steakhouse, but it's so laid back. I mean they're just so casual here. All they wanted me to wear was shoes and a shirt. This is the least pretentious steakhou......Wait a minute! This isn't a steakhouse at all! I'm in a 7-11. Well I'll be damned!"
Start by cutting all of the taquitos in half so they are smaller portions. We're going to plate all of the taquitos in ramekins, which you may remember from the Big Mac Hummus Video . Use that, "I'd eat it if I were homeless" nacho cheese to fill the bottom of the first ramekin. This is disgusting on it's own, but add a single chip and a taquito and we're well on our way to having an authentic Mexican treat!
We're going to prepare the taquitos in three ways. When it comes to eating trash, I have a very refined palate and I recommend getting the Monterrey chicken, the Buffalo chicken, and steak and cheese taquitos. 7-11 described the steak and cheese taquito as, "Big juicy steak flavor wrapped in a warm, crispy tortilla roll without any steakhouse stuffiness." To that the dumbest man on earth said, "Oh wow, look at them heated rollers. This feels like a steakhouse, but it's so laid back. I mean they're just so casual here. All they wanted me to wear was shoes and a shirt. This is the least pretentious steakhou......Wait a minute! This isn't a steakhouse at all! I'm in a 7-11. Well I'll be damned!"
Start by cutting all of the taquitos in half so they are smaller portions. We're going to plate all of the taquitos in ramekins, which you may remember from the Big Mac Hummus Video . Use that, "I'd eat it if I were homeless" nacho cheese to fill the bottom of the first ramekin. This is disgusting on it's own, but add a single chip and a taquito and we're well on our way to having an authentic Mexican treat!
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Next, cut up the limes and tomatoes and add them to the edge of the ramekin in an alternating pattern. If there's something that distracts pretentious people, it's the activity of squeezing lime juice on things. The only thing pretentious people like more than squeezing lime juice on food is zesting limes on food. The tomatoes and limes are reminiscent of the Mexican flag, so with any luck this will jog your guests memory of that time they were a devout Catholic, went to Cancun for spring break with their three friends, committed armed robbery and killed Riff Raff while blasting Skrillex. This will help them forget that they're eating food from the most laid back steakhouse ever.
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Taquito Numero Dos
Set up the second taquito in another ramekin similar to the first with a single chip as the backdrop. You may be wondering, "Kyle, why only use one chip?" Having only one chip makes it seem special. Tell your guests that you "hand crafted" these chips in your kitchen and they're "artisanal". Give them the impression that each chip is unique in the same sense that every person is unique. This will help silence the haunting voice deep within their brain that is telling them they're going to die someday and they're not doing enough with their lives. The crunch of the chip will also aid in silencing they're worst fears.
Set up the second taquito in another ramekin similar to the first with a single chip as the backdrop. You may be wondering, "Kyle, why only use one chip?" Having only one chip makes it seem special. Tell your guests that you "hand crafted" these chips in your kitchen and they're "artisanal". Give them the impression that each chip is unique in the same sense that every person is unique. This will help silence the haunting voice deep within their brain that is telling them they're going to die someday and they're not doing enough with their lives. The crunch of the chip will also aid in silencing they're worst fears.
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Cut up the jalepenos and add them on top. Whoa buddy this is getting HOTT!!! Cool it down a little bit with a dollop of sour cream. Finally, bring that heat back up by topping the sour cream with some red pepper. Once again we have the colors of Mexico in the dish. With utter sincerity, tell your guests, "This is a salute to all the hard working people of Mexico. Without them I would have had to move my furniture myself. Luis put my armoire on his back and walked up four flights of stairs. My clothes would be completely disorganized if I didn't have that armoire" Force a tear out if you can. They will stoically nod in agreement.
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Taquito Numero Tres
We're ready to complete our Cinco de Mayo celebration with a feast fueled by the unbridled excitement of taquitos! Pull another artisanally handcrafted chip from the bag and place it in a ramekin filled with salsa. Next, add the taquito and cilantro. I used parsley because I'm lazy and that's what was in my fridge. It's certainly not a classic Mexican flavor like cilantro, but all the peppers from the last taquito dish will have destroyed your guests' mouths, so at this point they shouldn't know the difference. If they DO question you, JUST LIE! Explain to them that migrant workers pick more parsley than any other herb and buying parsley helps support the fight immigration rights and you're just trying to do your part. Once again complete those Mexican colors by adding the shredded cheese.
We're ready to complete our Cinco de Mayo celebration with a feast fueled by the unbridled excitement of taquitos! Pull another artisanally handcrafted chip from the bag and place it in a ramekin filled with salsa. Next, add the taquito and cilantro. I used parsley because I'm lazy and that's what was in my fridge. It's certainly not a classic Mexican flavor like cilantro, but all the peppers from the last taquito dish will have destroyed your guests' mouths, so at this point they shouldn't know the difference. If they DO question you, JUST LIE! Explain to them that migrant workers pick more parsley than any other herb and buying parsley helps support the fight immigration rights and you're just trying to do your part. Once again complete those Mexican colors by adding the shredded cheese.
VIVA THE MEXICO!
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