Want to impress your dinner guests but you’re not a top notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on grilled cheese!

History
With the onset of the Great Recession in December of 2007, people began to really take stock of what's important to them. People scaled back their lives. OK, perhaps no one scaled back their lives unless the bank specifically gave them written notice to do so, but the country as a whole sure did talk about scaling back our lives. It allowed us to take stock in what's really important. We need to own a smart phone. How else would we give everyone 24 hour access into our lives. We need to demonstrate to our friends just how intelligent we are by posting links to articles that we read. We need to be able to upload images of our new child and our new broccoli casserole. We need to take those once crystal clear images and make them blurry in interesting ways. We need people to "like" and "share" those blurry images. It validates us and let's us know that there are other people out there with similar interests. Really, what's the point of living otherwise? Instagram and Facebook have changed the way we look at food and specifically grilled cheese. People want to see that grilled cheese cut in half, with the melted cheese oozing out. People need to see that grilled cheese cut in half, with the melted cheese oozing out. They want to see a stratified inner core with layers, upon layers, of complex ingredients. Without that complexity you will be likeless, friendless and borderline suicidal. C'MON WORLD! VALIDATE ME AS AN INTERESTING PERSON!!!

If it doesn't get posted online is it even a grilled cheese anymore? These are the questions that keep my up at night. In an effort to simplify our life and as an homage to the OG of recessions, The Great Depression, we'll be doing a twist on a classic grilled cheese, known as, "The Cheese Dream". The Great Depression was so bad that people were dreaming of cheese. They ate dirt for meals, but at night, with their tums-tums still groaning from hunger, they were dreaming of cheese! The Cheese Dream is essentially and open faced grilled cheese sandwich, topped with cheese, a meat, and sliced tomatoes with variations depending on just how poor you actually are.

Step 1 - Choose Your Ingredients
Wow! What a disgusting mess of food. Of course the most important ingredient in grilled cheese is the cheese. I chose to use two types, I got some pepper jack cheese singles and then the creme de la creme, Velveeta.  We'll get to the Velveeta in a little bit. For my meat, I chose a $1 package of pepperoni.  What a deal! It's not $1 pizza, but it's pretty shitty. For the bread, I picked the shittiest white bread possible. With no nutritional value whatsoever, it makes sense that it only costs 97 cents. Finally, I'll also be rounding out the entire meal with some grapefruit.

Step 2 - Toast and Cut the Bread
Fill the bottom of the pan with some olive oil and toast a slice of bread in the pan. When I was growing up my grandmother used to make us burnt grilled cheese. It was her signature move and in her lifetime I'm pretty sure she never changed her recipe. Here are the steps:

1. Butter two slices of bread.
   
2. Put cheese in the middle.
   
3. Place it in a hot pan.
4. Go to another part of the house and do household chores.
   
5. Wait until the cooking timer goes off (also known as the smoke alarm).
   
6. Remove grilled cheese sandwich from the stovetop.
   
7. Ask granddad to fan the smoke alarm with newspaper.
8. Scrape the burnt part of the bread until golden brown.
9. Feed to grand kids.

It turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because I got sidetracked and burnt the hell out of my toast. Not to worry, I own a knife and I scraped the bread until it was golden brown. This is all part of the recipe. Cut the toast up into small squares and line the bottom of a small cast iron pan with the bread squares. Using cast iron will take your guests attention away from the shitty ingredients within this "dream". Cast iron is great for a few reasons, but most importantly, it hearkens to, "The days of old" and will have your guests considering their own cast iron aspirations. 
"Oh my god is this cast iron? I just LOVE cast iron. My grandmother used to use cast iron and it's all I use now. It is so durable! I tried that non-stick stuff for a few years, but for David just can't seem to remember not to use metal utensils on them and he scratches the hell out of them. What? Well I'm sorry David but you can't. You can't. It's your pan and you'll use it how you please? What're you talking about? It's not your pan, it's our pan. Well just use it correctly and we wouldn't be having this conversation. I swear sometimes I think your head is made out of cast iron. Oh you don't complain to me about how I use the car? What? Oooooooh, I run into one parking garage support column and you get your panties in a big mess. Now there's an idea for you. Just get me a cast iron car and we wouldn't have this problem."

Step 3 - "Layers Jerry. Layers..."
Next, break up some of the individual pepper jack cheese slices and layer them on top of the toast. Kroger didn't have the balls or the legal flexibility to actually call this cheese, as it's t's described as, "Pasteurized process cheese product with hot peppers." It feels weird to touch and even though it's March, it doesn't expire until November. NOVEMBER! WHAT?! That should be a warning sign for anyone purchasing this, unfortunately white trash has yet to receive the memo. Once we heat this puppy up, the cheese will seep down within the toast creating a nice base for the cheese dream. Layer the pepperoni on top of the cheese.

Step 4 - Velveeta
Not sure how Gwyn feels about Velveeta, but I'm guessing we could get her to smoke at least a little PCP before taking a bite of my grilled cheese. By then end of this recipe, even Gwyneth Paltrow would assume she's only dining on the finest ingredients, partly because she'd be all hopped up on PCP and crack, but mostly because it will look so pretentious!

When Velveeta was purchased by Kraft in the 1920's, it was originally advertised as health food. WHOA. That's how shitty food was in the 1920's. Unfortunately for arteries everywhere Velveeta is still around; fortunately for this blog Velveeta is still around. I had to ask a stocker in the grocery store if they even carried the, "Big blocks of Velveeta." Wrongly, I was looking in the cheese aisle. Imagine that. He walked me to the middle of the store, far away from any refrigeration, pointed to the Velveeta and said, "I've got the big block and I've got the small block." There it was nestled next to the canned cheeses. I should have known to look in the "Pasteurized recipe cheese product aisle." What was I thinking? I will say this though; I love Velveeta's packaging. It's both shitty and pretentious at the same time. It's box is obnoxious, boisterous, and loud, just begging to be the life of the party and then when you open it, it doesn't disappoint. You have to peel away it's tightly wrapped foil like you're opening a bar of gold, revealing the prize within, it's reflection shining off of your face like the open briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Slice that gold up and put it on top of your meat!

Step 5 - Top It Off and Bake It
Every grilled cheese needs two slices of bread. Remove the crust from a slice and cut it up into small squares. It is important to brush the bread with olive oil or butter so it bakes to a golden brown. Cut up some more small squares of Velveeta and place them within the spaces of the bread. Just as it does with your arteries, this will congeal with the bread creating a beautiful top to the grilled cheese. Next, cover the dish with tinfoil and bake it in the oven at 350 for one hour. We're baking a grilled cheese?! This is a paradigm shift that I'm having trouble comprehending! Relax. Yes, we're baking a grilled cheese. We have to pull out all the stops. How else are we going to accumulate the necessary "Likes" and "Retweets" that allow us to sleep at night?

At 45 minutes in, remove the tinfoil and add some tomatoes to the top in the gaps where the cheese has melted. Switch the oven to broil, turn it up to 400 degrees to really bring it on home! Let it broil until the bread is golden brown. This is considerably tougher to scrape off, so keep and eye on it!

Step 6 - Tomato Soup
You can't have grilled cheese without tomato soup. Look at the top right of the soup can. It's a grilled cheese! Everyone knows that it's a natural pairing. What about the picture of the girl in the cornfield? Well you've got me there, that makes no sense at all, but look at the grilled cheese! Heat up the soup with an equal amount of water and pour it into some pretentious Japanese tea cups. Don't have Japanese tea cups? Sounds like you'll have to take a trip to the 90 Cents and Up Store!

Step 7 - Plating
I plated my meal on a wooden cutting board which is nice, but if you can salvage a piece of wood lying around a back alley in your neighborhood. That will really take your guests back to the depression and after dinner you can burn it for heat! If you have it, throw some basil on top of everything and then neatly slice up the grapefruit to top it all off. But Kyle, grapefruit is fruit, that's not shitty. It's the shittiest fruit; it's like a lemon had sex with an orange and got all the worst parts. If you're serving grapefruit you better add sugar to it. YOU BETTER ADD SUGAR TO IT. You're liable to get punched in the face if you don't add sugar when serving grapefruit.

Step 8 - Validate Your Existence
Prior to social media you would have just sloppily pieced this mess together. Luckily now people are judging you all the time. People have expectations. Without Instagram there's no way you would have sliced a grapefruit like that. There's no way you would own Japanese tea cups (unless you're Japanese). So impress the world. Take a picture. Throw a filter on it. Make it blurry in parts. Tag your dinner guests so that they too can share it with their friends. Their friends will "like" it. The next day you can add a post on Facebook saying, "Great dinner party last night with David, Sharon, Steve, Chelsea, Renee, and Ashley. Can't wait for the next one!" Now you have the deep satisfaction of knowing that your life means something!

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re going to make a seasonal favorite…eggnog!

It’s the holidays so that means that for the next two weeks or we’ll see eggnog in peoples’ homes and on the shelves of grocery stores.   Much like the ugly sweaters and acquaintances you see once a year, it’ll make an appearance at parties and then you’ll forget about it until next year. That’s because it’s shitty.  It is probably one of the shittier seasonal drinks and just like apple cider and pumpkin ale, we’ll soon move on to champagne, dark beers and hot chocolate.  For these next two weeks though lets revel in the shittness that is eggnog and try to make it a little more pretentious.

Due to the seasonal frequency of eggnog people get excited to drink it, so we’re already on the right track. When you hear people say things like, “I’m going to start drinking this year round” you know they’re holding something pretentious. Much like when I made pretentious $1 pizza, we’ll start at Shoppers Food Warehouse to pick up the store brand eggnog. This really isn’t a tough decision though; all eggnog is equally shitty. If you know the difference between eggnog brands, then you’re an asshole. The rest of this will be a breeze for you. In fact you should probably be writing this. I chose Shoppers generic brand of eggnog which they call, “Richfood”. Hey Shoppers, I think it’s time to call it, “Sorry you’re not Richfood”.

After seeing the above picture and looking at previous blog posts you may have noticed I now have a tile back splash. You’re probably wondering, “Kyle are you really so committed to a blog that you’re getting kitchen improvements done?!” I’ll let you continue to wonder.

I think a really pretentious way to approach this is to play off the seasons as well as the name of the drink, which is why we’re going to start with eggs.

Any pretentious meal can get waaaaaay more pretentious by using blue collar type tools like a chisel, a blow torch or a hacksaw. It’s perfect if you can use anything while cooking that you would normally use to rob a bank. I’m using a hacksaw to cut the tops off of the eggs which will then be used as small cups for my eggnog. People will think it’s adorable, clever and so brilliant, “The way you incorporated exactly what they’re drinking into the dishware.” Seriously, why do I not have a shitty cooking show yet?

 With deep concentration I cut through two eggs.  One of them held a surprise! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand twwwwiiiiiiins!!!!! This wasn’t even staged! It’s a Christmas miracle!

If you’re having a large dinner party it probably isn't convenient to cut dozens of eggs for cups (assuming you’re popular). If that’s your situation get an ostrich egg and make a punch bowl out of it. If there’s anything I know about eggs it’s that people love them when they’re comically oversized or undersized. Now lets plate the shit out of this eggnog!  You can use any type of plate, we’re going to cover it in this case, but if you really want to look like a huge douche wrap a cutting board in wrapping paper and plate everything on there. I didn't have any wrapping paper because I’m a dude; it’s December 19th and I have a whole week until Christmas to worry about having to use junk mail as wrapping paper.

 Holiday parties can try your patience as you try to make small talk with someone you might one day become Facebook friends with! To get your guests talking, put a Naughty or Nice list on the plate. This will get people engaged about the topics, but the important thing is to show how much you know about everything – sports, politics, television, etc. I went with 2012 topics and people. Everyone can hate on LeBron James! Little People, Big World? I’ve never even seen it, but I know the concept and who doesn’t like talking about midgets?!…I mean little people. Most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, make sure you have plenty of music references that the majority of people won’t know about. If you’d like to make it ironic, title the list “Hood or Good”. That’s a Kid Cudi reference, but any reference to the struggles of minority cultures will be appreciated by all of your white guests. I also split my list with a cross – Don’t forget kids, Jesus is always watching…or Santa…well, some creeper with a beard will always be watching you.

Now go outside and rip a bunch of evergreen branches off of a tree and cover the plate. As Jimmy Stewart said, 
“‘Tis the season for putting evergreen shit where it doesn’t normally belong.“

Now fill your eggs with eggnog and any type of rum or whiskey that you’d like as long as it’s shitty. Something from a plastic bottled is preferred, but I’d recommend Admiral Nelson’s Rum due to the Urban Dictionary definition and sentence:

(3) Admiral Horatio Nelson, commander of the Royal Navy when Britain won the great battle of Trafalgar. Not quite as much of an accomplishment as selling a high quality good tasting rum for half of what the competition sells it for.
(1) “I’m low on money and need to get this freshman girl crunked so I can bone her tonight. Better stop by liqours and pick up some admiral!”

We’re almost done! TIME TO ADD CINNAMON!!!! PEOPLE FREAK OUT OVER CINNAMON. “HOLY FUCK IS THAT IN BOTH STICK FORM AND AS A POWDER?!” Your guests are going to lose their shit and they might start ripping pictures off your wall.  If that becomes a problem just add red sprinkles on top and they’ll die instantly because their heads will explode.

Finally get your friends to put on red flannel  and act like they’re about to film a Gap add. It’s vital for them to look like they just said or heard the funniest thing in of their lives.

Is that love in the air? Nope it’s shitty eggnog made to look pretentious.

Enjoyed this article?  Share it on Facebook or Twitter. Follow Kyle on Twitter @suckcessstory

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Background
Before becoming a full time comedian and having the luxury of eating peanut butter and jelly at my leisure, I worked in an office for seven years. I always felt embarrassed when I ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch. On a few occasions, my much older co-worker Al remarked, "Peanut butter and jelly huh?" in a tone that made me feel  like he caught me doing heroin during my lunch break. 

As a lover of peanut butter and jelly it sickens me to write this article. Personally this is my most disturbing SFMP post thus far and I've written some pretty disturbing things. I've urged people to snort Prilosec, instructed people to hide "Her pleasure" condoms within sponge cake and even discussed Kim Kardashian's butt diet, BUT THIS ONE HURTS. I am distraught that peanut butter and jelly has become a plebeian meal, relegated to the mouths of children and broke college students. It was once considered a delicacy in this country and it breaks my heart to see pre-made PB & J hiding in the freezer section under the pseudonym "Uncrustables", slumming it with the $1 pizzas and Hungry Man Salisbury steaks. 

There are others out there; others like the person I used to be.  Those who live in shame, who live in fear. I hope this article gives them courage, as heroes of mine have given me courage to come forward. Thankfully, more celebrities are coming out. Recently, music producer Pharrell Williams noted that he and his wife celebrate successful projects by treating themselves at a hotel, “As soon as we get to the hotel room and the door is closed, we freak out for 20 minutes straight, order up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and jump on the bed” Long before Pharrell came out, Paul Pierce made headlines becoming the first athlete in a major sport to profess his love of PB & J. It was a bold move and I celebrated his courageous leadership. I felt for him as he was belittled publicly by media outlets like Delish.com:

"Celtics Basketball star Paul Pierce may be a tough guy on the court, with his Championship ring and over 20,000 baskets as a Celtics player alone, but his pregame food habits are certainly kid-like. What must he do exactly 55 minutes before every game? Paul Pierce eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No word on whether he likes the crusts cut off."

WHY IS THAT KID-LIKE DELISH? BECAUSE IT'S NUTRITIOUS AND DELICIOUS?! You all better watch out before my other heroes Cadillac Don and J-Money come for you. PB & J IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WIT'. So step aside almond butter, fuckin' wit' peanut butter get your top blowed off.

Step 1 - Liquify Your Peanut Butter and Jelly
Peanut butter is bangin' so it really doesn't matter what kind you choose for this recipe, as long as it's creamy and not an all-natural peanut butter that you have to mix every time you open the jar. I went with Skippy cause I'm trying to party and Skippy fuels the mothafuckin' fun. Jiff is another good choice. I like how they used a slogan, "Choosy mom's choose Jiff," that tugs at the minds of every insecure mom. Jiff is saying, "You're not a shitty mom are you? You love your kid don't you? Maybe you shouldn't pick a shitty peanut butter then. Choose Jiff." There's a fine line between over-parenting and having a dead kid. 

For the jelly, go with something in the berry, growing on a shrub, family - blueberry, raspberry, blackberry etc. Something that you can lie to your guests about with conviction. "We picked these raspberries when we were in out the country last year." You know who hates taking the time to pick berries? KIDS! They don't have the attention span,they have tiny hands and they're too short to get to tops of the shrubs where all the fruit is located. Avoid low growing plants like strawberries. Any lazy kid can just sit on their ass and pick strawberries. And unless you know a ton about the difference between highbush blueberry and lowbush blueberry, avoid blueberries too. Once you have your peanut butter and jelly, add a few spoonfuls to sauce pans with equal amounts of water. Heat up the pans until both ingredients becomes viscous and the water starts to boil off.

Step 3 - Fo Drizzle
Take the viscous peanut butter and the jelly and neatly drizzle the two over the toast. Don't overdo it. You don't want to fill the bowl up so much that it's easy to eat. A kid wouldn't know what to do with this, but your adult dinner guests will be saying, "Ohhhhhh I get it! This is a play on peanut butter and jelly."

I need to grab the attention of the detractors and the haters with this pretentious PB & J, so I put a dollop of Cool Whip on top. I stepped it up for this and used brand name "whipped topping". LISTEN UP ADULTS, SHIT JUST GOT REAL. FINALLY, SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON TOP TO REALLY BRING IT ON HOME!

We'll do this together. It Get's Better
I hope this article inspires those who have a closeted PB & J lifestyle. Those who check themselves in the mirror multiple times before leaving the house out of fear that you have peanut butter or jelly on your lips and people will find out your secret. Do not live in fear. You don't have to hide during your lunch breaks anymore. No longer will you have to enjoy your peanut butter and jelly in the small confines of your car tucked in the back of the office parking lot. You don't have to feel embarrassed. We still have a long way to go, but you're not alone. The Al's of the world who don't understand our lifestyle are learning. They are starting to accept and embrace who we are. We're adults and we love peanut butter and jelly. Be proud.

Thanksgiving is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS. It sets the tone for the amount of weight I'm going to gain from now until New Years Day when I finally look in the mirror at my swollen body and say, "I am going to change!" Things do change for a month or so until I realize that maybe I'm not as strong willed as I thought and the cycle continues. But now is not the time to worry about future dieting pitfalls! Now is the time to cook a shitty Thanksgiving dinner!

Step One - Get Your Shit Together
Thanksgiving is a tremendous opportunity for everyone in the family to show off their cooking skills with amazing handcrafted meals, but this is "Shitty Food Made Pretentious" not "Let's Cook Excellent Food and Enjoy It". Start by picking up your shitty food. If you're not sure what is shitty Thanksgiving food then go to a local food drive and you'll get an idea. Instant stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, instant gravy, instant cranberry sauce, instant turkey lunch meat, and an instant apple. If the labels on the cans are upside down then you've managed to find the shittiest food in the store! As you're making and eating this food keep in mind that this is what we give the homeless to eat every day of the year. 

Step Two - Mix Dry Things with Liquids
The best thing about instant foods is that they really are instant! Are you good at boiling water and then throwing stuff in that boiling water? Then you'll be great at preparing this meal! You don't have to be a loser anymore! This is more or less a one pot meal that can be created using  very simple steps.

To cook the stuffing:
Boil water. Throw in some butter. Stir in the stuffing. Fluff with a fork.

To cook the potatoes:
Boil water. Throw in some butter and milk. Stir in the potato flakes. Fluff with a fork.

To cook the gravy:
Boil water. Stir in the powdered gravy. Whisk with a whisk.

See how easy that was? You're gonna be able to call yourself Julia Fucking Childs by the time you're through with this meal!

Step Three - Broil the Turkey
Tear the turkey into small pieces and broil it in your toaster oven. This will dry it out and add crispyness to the edges giving it the same taste and texture of Korean Barbeque. It's really tough to disguise lunch meat as if it were a turkey made by Grandma so just say, "It's a twist on Thanksgiving! It's Korean style Turkey." Your guests will say to themselves things like, "What?" and "What the fuck?" and "Korean? Whaaaat the fuuuuuuuck?", but much like white women blogging on the internet about understanding black problems, they'll celebrate you for who you are in all your special ways even if it does mean shaking up almost 400 years of tradition. Who cares though? People used to eat crap 400 years ago.

Step Four - Get a Korean Bowel
Stick with the Korean Thanksgiving lie. I went to a local Japanese store and picked up an awesome, "Small bowel" for $1. You're probably saying, "But Kyle, Japanese is different than Korean." Cool. Write about it on your blog. Before you do start plating your ten minute Thanksgiving feast.

Plop the recently fluffed stuffing and Korean turkey at one end of your small bowel. Try to get it tall. This will make a small meal appear to be larger than it is! ESPECIALLY DO THIS IF YOUR GUESTS ARE ALL MOUNTAIN LIONS! They have trouble perceiving actual size, will be intimidated, and  will no longer question your Thanksgiving dinner.

Step One - Peel and Slice Two Apples
Yo, do exactly what I just said. Peel and slice two apples. 

Step Two - Mix Up the Sugar and Spice
Take a crap load of sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice; mix it up in a bowl. The amounts of these really aren't that important, but go heavy on the sugar and less so on the spices.

Step Three - Bake Your "Pie"
Layer the sugar mixture and the apples in the can that the cranberries came in. I like layering foods; all the flavors seep together and people tend to forget what they're eating. Cover the tin can with aluminum foil and put it in the oven at 350 degrees.

Cook it until it seems done. The apples should be moist and sugary. Drain the sugar juices onto a shallow cooking tray for additional heating. Cook the sugar juices until the viscosity is closer to syrup.

Step Four - Bring it on Home!
Plate your hobo pie on a cake stand can and all! Drizzle the sugar syrup on the apples and add some powdered sugar on top. This looks like either art or something a cat would eat in a Fancy Feast advertisement or some really pretentious dog food. That's perfect. Tell your guests that you made this to shed light on the problems with hunger in this country. Bringing up the less fortunate on a day that is all about eating will bum everyone out and make them finally consider donating food, which is a good thing! They'll appreciate this nasty "pie" that you prepared for them more than anything grandma ever whipped up. So is this a happy Thanksgiving? Nope. It's shitty food made pretentious.

Boston, Massachusetts                                                                                                                    August 20, 1837

Dearest Mother,
I once more take the opportunity of addressing ye a few lines from the far and distant shores of Boston hoping they will find ye and family are in as good of health as I. It has been too many fortnights since my last letter, but I promise to be a better son for the future even if I don't write very often. In your last correspondence to me ye were fraught with concern about my health and diet. My employer has been feeding me lobster nearly every day of the week even though it was specified in my employment agreement that I would not eat this putrid animal more than two days a week. It is barely fit for human consumption and even inmates here in Boston have revolted against it as prison food. Some local farmers even use it as fertilizer. Imagine that Mother, I have been eating the equivalent of manure! As a servant I have not been afforded the pleasantries of the Gentleman who provides my wage, but a number of chance circumstances have changed all of that. I will eat lobster no more! At the writing of this letter this is the last time I will prepare a lobster. I am only doing this because it is my hope that this recipe will help make this foul insect of the sea somewhat bearable for those pitiful souls and that it will be blogged about on a shitty food website one hundred and seventy seven years from now.   

Step One - "Befriend" a Rich Man
Lobster is a disgusting food with a texture that can only be described as "mush" and a taste that can only be combated with the additions of countless masking agents to hide the flavor. Since arriving here in America this bottom dweller has been a staple of my diet and I have found that one is best distracted of the flavor when it is consumed over a white linen cloth and out of a silver bowl. Now Mother I am certain ye are wondering how a man of my meager status has managed to procure white linens and a silver bowl. It's actually quite a humorous anecdote; I grew so tired of my boss and his feeding me of lobster that I murdered him! Do not worry about me though. It turns out that it is quite easy to get away with murder here in America since forensic science is rudimentary. I am fairly certain that a crime only gets solved if the policeman is standing next to the crime as it is taking place. I assure ye that there was no law enforcement officer in the area and keep in mind that I am also white, so I am certain a "less fortunate man" will be blamed for the crime if anyone at all. I had to take advantage of these present conditions as racism is sure to be extinguished from this promising nation in the coming years! Some day this murder will undoubtedly be an ideal case for the television show Unsolved Mysteries.

Oh dear, look at me babbling on and on. Back to my recipe; I like to lay down a bed of parsley, an herb that no one would eat, but the color will liven the dish. 

Step Two - Make the Lobster Thrash About
Now Mother I must admit that there's something terribly exciting about throwing a live lobster into a pot and hearing it thrash against the lid of the pot until it succumbs to the boiling water. I only wish ye were here to experience that same excitement! Eating these shelled monsters has been the bane of my existence and seeing them squirm about has been my only solace when eating them. I like to serve the lobster with a sprinkling of salt and an amount of rancid butter that would not be considered socially acceptable. I also cover the lobster in corn to hide the slippery devil meat as much as possible. If I wanted to I am certain I could be a chef in a fancy seafood restaurant. My skills are so good that no one would even know they are eating lobster!

Step Three - Fruit and Bread
The lands in the United States are even more fertile than those of Ireland, ah how I miss the food of home, but the fruit here is abundant! Just as I do with fish n' chips back home, I like to squirt lemon juice all over my lobster. I find the sourness helps dull my taste buds while choking down this horrid creature. I like to counter the taste of the lemon with a slice of apple. I am able to wander the fields picking fresh apples right out of the tree. I only wish the farmers had a chemical substance to kill the birds and bees that leave unsightly spots on my apples. 

I compliment all of my meals with bread. I have had the pleasure of meeting an artisan bread maker. The bread he makes is delicious, but I can't help but wonder if he's way too excited about "handcrafting". He tends to go on and on about how he only uses the best flour and water and how he rides his fixie all over town. It all seems a little pretentious to me and sometimes I just want scream at him, "It's 1837! Everything is handcrafted! Just give me my bread!" 

Step Four - Fresh Milk and Eggs
In addition to my former boss, since arriving in Boston I have also "befriended" a farmer and his entire family. I befriended them so much that they decided to give me their farm. Now I have fresh milk and eggs to go with my lobster. This farming endeavor is extremely exciting and I feel I am making great strides in the advancement of farming. I have been giving the chickens and cows daily injections of a ground breaking synthetic elixir called "growth hormones" that I procured from a medicine man who I also "befriended". It has helped the cows and chickens double in size and made them healthier than ever!

Well mother that concludes my lobster recipe and my correspondence. As you can tell my fortunes have certainly changed since arriving here. America truly is the land of opportunity with riches available to any man who is willing to work hard for them. I hope someday you, father, and brother are able to visit.
 

                                                                                      Respectfully yours,
                                                                                                                
                                                                                                     Samuel Cargill

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking s'mores!

For almost a hundred years making s'mores has been a campfire tradition. Back in the 1920's a chubby little Boy Scout was sitting by a campfire roasting marshmallows when he thought to himself, "What if I made a marshmallow sandwich with chocolate inside and graham crackers as the bread?" That chubby little Boy Scout's name was John D. Fluffanutter; he popularized s'mores in the 1920's and later built an empire when he changed the PB & J game by selling marshmallow fluff, a primary ingredient in the sandwich that bares his name.

I'm not even going to act like s'mores don't taste amazing, but don't kid yourselves, the ingredients and the process with which they are assembled is shitty. First, they're bad for you. Why do you think John D. Fluffanutter was so chubby in the first place? It wasn't because of all his merit badges for swimming, it was because he looooooooooved marshmallows, which are essentially just sugar coated in corn starch. Chocolate is another ingredient that will chub you up. "Oh yeah, well I read that chocolate is a superfood! It's good for your heart!" That's true, but so is running. Give it a try sometime then eat some chocolate.  Finally there's the graham cracker. I read the ingredients and I don't really know what a graham cracker is, but the box said the main ingredient was unbleached flour, better than bleached so that's a plus! S'mores are also shitty because it's nearly impossible to melt the chocolate and toast the marshmallow on the end of a stick over a campfire. This play on the classic s'more elevates campfire crapfood to restaurant quality using nothing more than gooey chocolatey nostalgia.  And a little moss.

Step One - Take a Trip to the General Store
For this recipe you're only going to need the classic s'more ingredients - one graham cracker, half a chocolate bar, and two marshmallows. While you're there pick up a bag of feed, some oil, batteries, and maple syrup because you never know when you'll need that type of stuff and the general store has it all.

Step Two - Go to the Woods
Just as Thoreau went to Walden Pond to find himself, I also went to the woods to explore the benefits of a simple existence. I cooked this pretentious recipe in a rustic cabin at Priest Lake in the Idaho panhandle. I wanted to be inspired by nature, by the outdated kitchen and Formica counter tops, by the remnants of crappy stocking stuffers adorning the walls and fridge, and the pleasant smell of mothballs. I went to the woods to, "Suck the marrow out of life," to free myself of the technological chains of my iPad, laptop and cell phone, and to post this on the internet a week later.

Invite your dinner guests to come to the woods too. While Thoreau was out in the woods by himself, you don't want to be a loser eating s'mores by yourself! A rustic environment with no internet or cell service is the perfect place for a pretentious meal. Finally your guests won't be staring at the glow of their phones for comfort with the constant fear of missing out on what everyone else is doing. Like a junkie on withdrawal, the first day will be confusing for them, but after that they'll have new peace of mind and will be so happy they'll eat practically anything!

Step Three - Punch a Graham Cracker!
Put a single graham cracker on a paper towel. Fold the paper towel over and smash it with your fist. Take all of your pent up aggression and release it on those graham crackers. Boss been riding you at work? Punch a graham cracker! Got a speeding ticket? Punch a graham cracker! Wife stopped having sex with you? Go to a therapist. Then punch a graham cracker! Scoop all of those aggression crumbs into a ramekin. You might be saying to yourself, "Kyle we've seen the ramekins in your taquito and Big Mac recipes. Do something new!" You can leave that in the comment section and then I'll punch a graham cracker. These ramekins are different though. I found them for $1 a piece at what could only be described as a Korean junk store. They are half the size of the other ramekins I've used and are, therefore, twice as pretentious.

Remember, the smaller your portion size, the more pretentious it will be! I'd eventually like to convince people to eat nothing and have them describe how great it tastes, à la Thudd Butt in Hook. You want your guests saying to themselves, "Gandhi ate more than this!"

Place the marshmallows in the ramekins and arrange the ramekins on top of a piece of bark or a log. Your guests will love the irony of eating s'mores off of the fuel that is normally used for cooking said s'mores. While they're complimenting you on your plating skills, casually mention how wood is a primary heat source in some areas of the world. They'll appreciate life even more and will forget that they're just eating crap from the general store! If you did step two you'll be able to find all the bark and wood you need right outside your front door. Go America!

Step Five - Melt the Chocolate
If you're in a cabin, there's undoubtedly a microwave from the 80's or 90's that was once a prominent fixture in a real kitchen, however I only had access to a "Half Pint," a microwave that likely rested atop a dorm room mini-fridge. Ah if only this microwave could talk, the stories it would tell! "In my prime I once heated up a dozen urine filled water balloons," it would say. Put your chocolate and some water in a miniature cream pitcher and microwave it until it's melted. Stir it up and put it in the center of your bark plate. Gently place your bark plate on top of two tufts of moss to really emphasize the whole, "Getting back to nature" theme.

Step Six - Presentation
Much like a magician using distractions to trick an audience, use your presentation skills to distract your guests of the actual product. As you pour the chocolate around the marshmallow they'll be saying, "Ooooh that looks so good," that's when you hit them with the fire. Literally burn the crap out of the marshmallows. If you can light it on fire then you've really gone above and beyond. Good for you! Make them blow it out. Before you know it your dinner guests will be saying, "I remember when I was a kid I would always burn my marshmallow! Can you believe that? It was worth it because it made the center taste so good and gooey, but I've never had a s'more like this before! The melted chocolate with the smokiness of the marshmallow and the crunch of the graham cracker are the perfect combination. Is this a great treat or what?" Nope, it's just shitty food made pretentious.

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking a rustic Italian feast! This main course of pasta con spazzatura is the heart of this three course meal.

This dollar store feast began with a beautiful sardine appetizer; an exciting antipasto for even the most adventurous foody. Before you tell them about the main course, "Pasta con spazzatura" make sure to wrap your dining room in plastic because they're going to lose their shit. Seriously. Especially if they're American. "I've never even heard of pasta con spazzatura! What is it? C'mon tell us! Tellll usssss! What is it?! With spazzatura?! What is that?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!  AAAAHHHHH I'M SO EXCITED!!!" Splat.

"It's cuisine from the hills of Tuscany", you'll explain. People like Tuscany without actually knowing why. The movie Under the Tuscan Sun made sixty million at the box office and nobody understand how, but they do know Tuscany sounds like a nice place. "It's a classic Italiano recipe that the grape pickers would eat after a long day in the vineyards. A handmade pasta, mixed with rustic meats and vegetables, topped with a frothy roni cream sauce," you'll tell them. In their minds they're already imagining this trash in their mouth, "Mmmmm! Wooooow. That sounds amazing!" If your guests are indeed American it will be especially easy to sell them on the spazzatura. Even if they studied abroad in Italy (like I did) they only learned the word, "Questo" which simply translates to, "That one." "Questo" combined with a pointed index finger is enough to get by in Italy for at least four months. I imagine one could live an entire life in Italy without learning an additional word though. While it sounds like a relatively appetizing word, "Spazzatura" actually translates to "garbage". Pasta with garbage. That's what your guests will be eating tonight. That's actually a bit of a lie. This is pasta from a dollar store after all. It could just be called "Spazzatura con spazzatura" but let's not be ridiculous. You would only call it that if your fake recipe originated in Naples...the dirtiest place in Italy. Seriously Naples, get your shit together.

Step One - Boil Your Lasagna
IMPORTANT: RUSTIC PASTA IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THE APPEARANCE OF THE NOODLES AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TASTE!
In order to get that authentic, old Italian woman in the countryside, wide, artisanally handmade noodle vibe, purchase lasagna noodles and do the exact opposite of the instructions on the package. "No boiling required." What do you know lasagna? You're being sold in a dollar store. If you were doing things right you'd be in a Bertolli box right now. Boil it like you would any other shitty pasta. Once it's as flaccid as Mario Batali's peen, lay it on a cutting board and trim the edges. It doesn't get more handmade than that!

Step Two - 38% MORE BEEF JERKY!
Anytime a product has "value" in the name you know it's a bag full of spazzatura. "Whoa! 38% more! 38% more than what? That sounds like a lot of extra All American Value beef jerky! What a deal! Let's see what the asterisk means...What? 38% more than your regular .9oz bag?! What the fuck All American Value? Did you just try to trick me with math? Just because I shop at the dollar store for food doesn't mean I didn't graduate from high school and I'm some dumb redneck. Chances are it does, but I got a calculator on my flip phone so I'm on to you!"

Tuscan cuisine is known for using weird parts of the pig. Beef jerky is simply the American version of that. Cut it up in weird shapes and put it off to the side for later.

Step Three - Grill/Blacken the Veggies
Take an assortment of canned vegetables and blacken (burn) them until they've got the marks to prove it. I used olives, peas, artichoke hearts, and peppers. That's only $4 worth of food! As stated in previous recipes peas are, "Easily one of the most overrated vegetables, peas always have to be cooked with an emphasis on distraction." If you have a grill pan use that and distract with grill lines! It'll seem like the vegetables were picked right from your garden and thrown on your grill. Brag to your guests about living a farm to table lifestyle. They'll immediately assume you're better than them. "What the fuck does that even mean? Farm to table? You live in a cul-de-sac and work in a cubicle. You're not a farmer dude!" Is what they should say to you, but instead they'll think you're living in the culinary future and want your lifestyle!

Step Four - Prepare the Roni Cream Sauce
They say Rice -A-Roni is the San Francisco treat, well lucky for you Pasta-Roni captures all the flavors of of Italy in a single $1 box. I don't know how they do it! Remove the sauce packet and prepare it EXACTLY as it says on the package. The people at Rice-A-Roni took years perfecting it so don't fuck it up now. When you tell people about this "secret family recipe" be sure to roll your 'R' when you say "Roni" otherwise they may just hear "ROni" and think, "Wait. The San Francisco treat?" at which point dinner will be OVER. If you're not able to roll your R's, have a few drinks. Americans are awesome at accents once they're drunk!

Step Five - Plate the Spazzatura
That's right. It's time to turn all this trash into a wonderfully composed pile of garbage! A landfill in a bowl. Begin with the noodles. DON'T BE LAZY WITH THEM. You're better than that! You took all this time to fool your dinner guests don't be a slob now. Gracefully lay the noodle on top of each other like pasta ribbons and top it off with a small amount of the rrrrr-oni cream sauce. 

Next, gently lay on the rustic meat*, grilled tomatoes, olives, peas, and artichoke hearts. 

*Rustic meat is the beef jerky. Not to be confused with a backwoods prostitute.

Finally top it all off with some crushed pecans, more rrrr-oni sauce and none other than Parmesan topping. Nothing says "I'm quite poor" like Parmesan topping. You're guests will have no idea though. Just like you did with the sardines, serve it to them in ONE LARGE DISH.

One dish instantly takes their mind off of what's in their mouth and puts them into survival mode! There is plenty of food for everyone, but when it's up for grabs animal instinct takes over! Anytime you can exploit that at a dinner party, do so! "Ohhhh I want to get an artichoke heart. I haven't tried the roasted peppers yet. What is this amazing meat? I'm stuffing this all in my fat face until it's finished. I'm upper middle class in the United States. I don't know when my next meal will come. I'm going to murder these people if I have to. What's in my mouth? Is this the spazzatura?" Nope. It's shitty food made pretentious.

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food pretentious! Tonight we’re cooking a rustic Italian feast! This is the sardine appetizer that kicks off a three course meal.

In the culinary world "rustic" is a word that gets lumped in with "artisinal" and "handcrafted" which essentially means anybody can make it. Rustic Italian cuisine is all about simple ingredients that are perfectly balanced with each other. When you need simple ingredients look no further than your local dollar store. Dollar stores are breeding grounds for methheads, crackheads, and the slow witted, so unless you're a big dummy you're going to want to fit in. Don't go shopping until you've grown out your facial hair for a minimum of four days. That goes for the ladies too! Let those whiskers shine baby! You want your face to scream of unemployment and a slight disregard for hygiene. IMPORTANT: IF YOU DON'T BLEND IN, ONE OF THE CRAZY CUSTOMERS WILL TALK TO YOU AND POTENTIALLY TOUCH YOU!

I went to Dollar Tree. With an extensive assortment of dented/mislabeled cans and jars of vegetables the dollar store will have almost everything you need to create this feast of grilled sardines with a gremolata. This appetizer only requires four ingredients - Sardines, capers, pimentos, and some "rustic" leaves from a shrub, yet your dinner guests will think they've been transported to the island of Sardinia!

Step One - Oh You So Nasty!
Your pretentious dinner guests are going to lose their shit for your grilled sardines! They will immediately assume you are a huge risk taker and will applaud your use of an ingredient that peaked in the 1950's. If you're trying to hook up with one of your guests THIS IS THE DISH FOR YOU! Cooking sardines says, "I'm not scared of eating weird things and if you want to get kinky with me later I'll be down for that too. What's that? You're disgustingly overweight? Do you think that scares me? I'm adventuresome. Bring a few of your chubby friends. We'll pack into my bed like a bunch of sardines and have an adventure together." If you're in need of some chubbos in your life, they can be found at the dollar store as well! This dish is even riskier if you can find canned sardines that include the head although those are tough to come by.

Begin by removing the sardines from the can. Be gentle! They are very breakable and you'll want to keep these babies whole. Heat up a grill pan on high heat, butter it and throw the sardines perpendicular to the lines in the pan to create the grill lines. If you don't have a grill pan not to worry; pan fry the sardines and called them, "Blackened sardines with a gremolata," instead. 

Step Two - Prepare Your Gremolata
Go outside and cut some leaves off of a shrub. Lucky for me the maintenance crew at my apartment was pruning the day I decided to make this and I didn't even have to make the effort to cut the leaves off myself. That's what Bob Ross calls a, "Happy accident."  If there is anything growing on the leaves- molds, funghi, egg sacks, etc. leave them on for extra flavor. The leaves I used were from a lemon tree, so they're actually edible. Another happy accident! I don't know how big of a freak you are; maybe you want to poison your guests and have them puking all over your house; I don't know what you're into, but I'd recommend using something edible. Don't be lazy. Think of all the time you just saved by shopping at the dollar store rather than a farmer's market. Take that time to look up edible plants and imagine how prepared you'll be when the zombies take over. This will also give you fodder to sound like a snob at dinner, "The leaves are actually from local lemon trees. I believe that the most sustainable way to live is through shopping for locally sourced products, blah, blah, blah." Now your guests will automatically think you're better than them, know more than them, and will be a great leader for when the zombies come! 

Cut up the leaves, mix them in a bowl with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper. Feel free to mix some dry spices in there too. Remember this is sardines. They taste nasty and that's what the people want so you really can't mess this one up.  

Step Three - Marinated Accouterments
Add the pimentos and capers to the grill pan just long enough to blacken them a little. Don't tell your guests that they came from a jar, tell your guests that you've been marinating these pimentos and capers for six months in preparation for this meal. Who cares if it's a lie? The dollar store was marinating them on their shelves in whatever mystery marinade is in the bottle. It's not a citric acid marinade..."It's an old family recipe," passed down from your Italian grandmother. I don't care if you don't look Italian at all; people like worldly families. For this recipe (and other Italian recipes) you have an Italian grandmother! Making chicken and waffles or mac n' cheese? Make sure you have a black grandmother.

Step Four - Plate Like Christ!
While you're at the dollar store pick up a small basket and some parchment paper. I feel like Jesus probably served fish out of a basket. He probably would have gotten that basket at the dollar store while teaching hookers lessons in humility. Jesus also would've touched people at the dollar store. I don't encourage this type of behavior unless you're a sandal wearing hippie who hasn't showered in a while.

Line the basket with the parchment paper. You could use any type of brown paper; cut up brown paper bags if you want, just make sure it's not fancy. This will give it that beautiful, pretentious, rustic feel.

Next, add the gremolata across the sardines along with your grilled pimentos. Finally, strategically place your marinated capers throughout the dish. This beautiful appetizer will only cost you $6, but it will leave your guests saying, "Oh my god! Sardines? Is this fun or what?" Nope it's shitty food made pretentious.

Buffalo wings are as American as football, apple pie, and chanting "USA! USA!" as a winning comeback for any argument. Over the years this native son of Buffalo has strayed from it's spicy, blue collar roots, giving into the curiosity that teriyaki, honey barbecue, Caribbean jerk, and Parmesan have to offer. They have climbed the social ladder of appetizers and are now seen at five star restaurants hobnobbing with the likes of calamari and  bruschetta.  How did they get there? They sold out for the money and became pretentious. Watch Kyle Martin and Brandon Wardell make shitty Buffalo wings into a pretentious masterpiece.

Want to impress dinner guests but you’re not a top-notch chef? Knock their socks off by making your shitty food look pretentious! Tonight we’re dining on 7-11 taquitos!

Much like St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo is yet another opportunity to celebrate an entire country's diverse culture through ignorance and drinking. That's what Mexico wants. Sure they seem quite passionate about immigration rights, but that's a distant second to you getting plastered on a Monday. If you're American, go straight from work, unbutton your top button, loosen your tie and GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE HOLIDAY YOU'RE CELEBRATING. Be sure to get drunk enough to leave the bar and yell down a crowded street full of white people, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" Follow that up with a high pitched laugh. Other drunks that look exactly like you will think you're hilarious and you'll have the comfort of knowing that if you drink enough, you too can be entertaining. You're talents aren't just limited to best man speeches anymore! If tequila and Mexican beer aren't enough for you, celebrate by doing a some coke. Other than being drunk out of your gourd, there really isn't a better way to acknowledge our amigos south of the border. The cities terrorized by drug lords can't have any fun, so that's what they WOULD WANT you to do. "Usted debe mantener la compra de cocaína. Mi familia le gusta vivir en un miedo terrible. Es la única manera que sabemos cómo sentir vivo!!" Same goes for the families in those cities who are beheaded by the drug lords and let's not forget to celebrate the drug mule that had the coke stuffed in his sweaty butt for a couple days as he scrambled through miles of tunnels below the border. Don't worry chances are he's a free-range, organic drug mule. He wouldn't even have a job if it weren't for you! The U.S. is the best and you're the best! So celebrate you deserve this! 

Finally, complete your drug and booze fueled night by eating some authentic Mexican taquitos from 7-11. You can get almost any garbage from 7-11, but taquitos are their life blood. If there is an Asian person working behind the counter, explain to them about how much you appreciate their country and that you're really  celebrating for them tonight. Then yell, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" They'll probably give you extra taquitos for being so funny! But don't just eat them. Make them pretentious! Invite your friends over. Take some pictures. Share them on Facebook with your new catchphrase, "VIVA THE MEXICO!" Remember this holiday is about YOU!
 
When purchasing taquitos go for the deal that 7-11 has presented you. "2 for $2.22" What a steal! You're the type of person who doesn't want to live with regrets, so get two of every variety they offer. You'll only need three taquitos for this recipe, but let's not kid ourselves, if you're drunk you're going to want to eat at least three on the way home. While you're at 7-11, pretend that you're the least thoughtful person going to a Super Bowl party and pick up some nachos, salsa, shredded cheese and sour cream. Go over to the free nacho cheese dispenser and load up on some of that too! If I were homeless I would live off of the free nacho cheese and chili dispenser, although it's kind of like drinking water in Mexico; your body can only take so much before it betrays you.

Taquito Numero Uno
We're going to prepare the taquitos in three ways. When it comes to eating trash, I have a very refined palate and I recommend getting the Monterrey chicken, the Buffalo chicken, and steak and cheese taquitos. 7-11 described the steak and cheese taquito as, "Big juicy steak flavor wrapped in a warm, crispy tortilla roll without any steakhouse stuffiness." To that the dumbest man on earth said, "Oh wow, look at them heated rollers. This feels like a steakhouse, but it's so laid back. I mean they're just so casual here. All they wanted me to wear was shoes and a shirt. This is the least pretentious steakhou......Wait a minute! This isn't a steakhouse at all! I'm in a 7-11. Well I'll be damned!"

Start by cutting all of the taquitos in half so they are smaller portions. We're going to plate all of the taquitos in ramekins, which you may remember from the Big Mac Hummus Video . Use that, "I'd eat it  if I were homeless" nacho cheese to fill the bottom of the first ramekin. This is disgusting on it's own, but add a single chip and a taquito and we're well on our way to having an authentic Mexican treat!

Next, cut up the limes and tomatoes and add them to the edge of the ramekin in an alternating pattern. If there's something that distracts pretentious people, it's the activity of squeezing lime juice on things. The only thing pretentious people like more than squeezing lime juice on food is zesting limes on food. The tomatoes and limes are reminiscent of the Mexican flag, so with any luck this will jog your guests memory of that time they were a devout Catholic, went to Cancun for spring break with their three friends, committed armed robbery and killed Riff Raff while blasting Skrillex. This will help them forget that they're eating food from the most laid back steakhouse ever.

Taquito Numero Dos
Set up the second taquito in another ramekin similar to the first with a single chip as the backdrop. You may be wondering, "Kyle, why only use one chip?" Having only one chip makes it seem special. Tell your guests that you "hand crafted" these chips in your kitchen and they're "artisanal". Give them the impression that each chip is unique in the same sense that every person is unique. This will help silence the haunting voice deep within their brain that is telling them they're going to die someday and they're not doing enough with their lives. The crunch of the chip will also aid in silencing they're worst fears.

Cut up the jalepenos and add them on top. Whoa buddy this is getting HOTT!!! Cool it down a little bit with a dollop of sour cream. Finally, bring that heat back up by topping the sour cream with some red pepper. Once again we have the colors of Mexico in the dish. With utter sincerity, tell your guests, "This is a salute to all the hard working people of Mexico. Without them I would have had to move my furniture myself. Luis put my armoire on his back and walked up four flights of stairs. My clothes would be completely disorganized if I didn't have that armoire" Force a tear out if you can. They will stoically nod in agreement.

Taquito Numero Tres
We're ready to complete our Cinco de Mayo celebration with a feast fueled by the unbridled excitement of taquitos! Pull another artisanally handcrafted chip from the bag and place it in a ramekin filled with salsa. Next, add the taquito and cilantro. I used parsley because I'm lazy and that's what was in my fridge. It's certainly not a classic Mexican flavor like cilantro, but all the peppers from the last taquito dish will have destroyed your guests' mouths, so at this point they shouldn't know the difference. If they DO question you, JUST LIE! Explain to them that migrant workers pick more parsley than any other herb and buying parsley helps support the fight immigration rights and you're just trying to do your part. Once again complete those Mexican colors by adding the shredded cheese.